***WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS UNPLEASANT INFORMATION***
I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
Today I have hosted a baby shower for my best friend, something that has been being organised for some time, it couldn't have come at a worst time.
Prior to the party I made the decision to end things with the man I have been with, it seemed like the fairest thing for him. I felt like I was messing him around and holding him back from life and I don't want to do that. I don't know if it was the right decision, I might not know that until it's too late I guess.
I feel awful for hurting him, he has been through enough over the last year or so, he didn't need more from me - especially when I know he didn't expect it of me. I feel that I have let him down and I hate that feeling. I care so much for him, as a friend as well as anything else, I just don't think I can offer him what he needs or wants from life.
To make matters worse whilst at the baby shower today I miscarried the pregnancy. What a bad time. I thought that I got off lightly and things were over with easily the other day, clearly they weren't.
***HERE COMES THE TOO MUCH INFORMATION SECTION***
I felt myself start to bleed again, and I literally poured blood for about an hour, I had to change sanitary products about 4 times in that hour. On the last change I saw the pregnancy, I saw the gestational sac and the embryo inside of it. Oh God it's torn me up. I feel like I'm in shock, I can't really think, I can't really speak. Worst of all, I'm apparently incapable of crying because I just feel like I deserve this. The pain was quite severe, nothing I couldn't cope with, and I just had to keep pushing on through and serving everyone drinks and playing games relating to the mother-to-be. I feel sick. I hate what I have done and I am filled with regret. You're not supposed to see anything, they specifically told me when they treated me that I wouldn't see anything, that it would just be clots and blood. Well clearly the clots and blood had all gone, leaving just the pregnancy.
I'm a terrible person. How could I do this? This would have been my child, I am convinced, my daughter.
I know, sensibly and logically, there is no use thinking these things because the pregnancy had already died, but I cannot help it.
On the plus side, not today - I'm not doing a plus side today.
Tuesday 10 May 2011
D Day + 1...
Ok so yesterday was the day. I went, they scanned me again and I had miscarried the pregnancy. They went on to treat me because my body didn't seem capable of getting rid of it by itself, hence why the miscarriage was missed, so there was no real change to the plan as such.
Everything was fine, it was fairly easy and painless and it is all over with now. I feel a bit shit, but other than that I am fine. I just can't really decide how I feel about it all though, does that make sense?
I mean a couple of weeks ago I was set, I didn't want a baby, I absolutely didn't want any part of it, now I'm just not sure. Bit bloody late I hear you scream.
I'm still not sure that things with the Father are going anywhere, I just don't feel anything anymore, it's like everything we have been through over these last few weeks has just destroyed whatever potential we had - a bit dramatic I appreciate, but that's just how it feels. So I guess what happened was absolutely for the best, I still stand by not bringing a baby into the world when you are not settled and happy in your life and with your partner.
An old friend phoned tonight, someone who, I had to work hard to get over - whilst we didn't have anything serious I did feel a lot for him. Talking to him brought back feelings and memories, compounded even more by him saying: "If I had wanted to settle down (back when we were seeing each other) of course it would be with you, I would still want that with you now." I've no idea how that made me feel, but I do know that I felt guilty, that that conversation wasn't approrpiate or fair to the man who loves me enough to bring a child into the world with me.
Maybe it's me that was on the rebound this time around, maybe it was both of us, who the fuck knows.
All I do know is this: I really don't know where my head is at all, I don't know what I'm writing or even why I'm writing it. I'm going to go and get some horribly disgusting and unhealthy take away. I'm going to veg out in front of a shit film, and just do nothing. Healthy living starts again Monday.
On the plus side, I feel like clarity may be coming my way again, or at least I hope so.
Everything was fine, it was fairly easy and painless and it is all over with now. I feel a bit shit, but other than that I am fine. I just can't really decide how I feel about it all though, does that make sense?
I mean a couple of weeks ago I was set, I didn't want a baby, I absolutely didn't want any part of it, now I'm just not sure. Bit bloody late I hear you scream.
I'm still not sure that things with the Father are going anywhere, I just don't feel anything anymore, it's like everything we have been through over these last few weeks has just destroyed whatever potential we had - a bit dramatic I appreciate, but that's just how it feels. So I guess what happened was absolutely for the best, I still stand by not bringing a baby into the world when you are not settled and happy in your life and with your partner.
An old friend phoned tonight, someone who, I had to work hard to get over - whilst we didn't have anything serious I did feel a lot for him. Talking to him brought back feelings and memories, compounded even more by him saying: "If I had wanted to settle down (back when we were seeing each other) of course it would be with you, I would still want that with you now." I've no idea how that made me feel, but I do know that I felt guilty, that that conversation wasn't approrpiate or fair to the man who loves me enough to bring a child into the world with me.
Maybe it's me that was on the rebound this time around, maybe it was both of us, who the fuck knows.
All I do know is this: I really don't know where my head is at all, I don't know what I'm writing or even why I'm writing it. I'm going to go and get some horribly disgusting and unhealthy take away. I'm going to veg out in front of a shit film, and just do nothing. Healthy living starts again Monday.
On the plus side, I feel like clarity may be coming my way again, or at least I hope so.
D Day...
Tomorrow is the day when I go for the "treatment". I'm really not sure how I feel about that. I was quite set on what I wanted and how I wanted to approach the situation until I went for the first appointment last week and was told that there might not be a pregnancy - it would seem that they couldn't see anything on ultrasound, so they completed an internal ultrasound. All they could see on that was an empty gestational sac, there can be one of two reasons why that is the case, the first is that it was just too early in the pregnancy to see anything and the second is that the pregnancy just hadn't developed properly but my body was unaware of that fact.
For some reason knowing that I might have miscarried naturally has made it more difficult, to have that choice taken away makes it tough. Which doesn't make sense as I am certain that the father finds it makes it far easier.
Talking of him, things are not going so well. He's been a bit too much recently and I've let it get to me - mostly hormones I think, making me cranky, but also because I've come to this horrible realisation that perhaps it's not quite what I thought it was going to be. I am certain he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've tried to tell him that, but in a kind way, and it would seem that he isn't really getting it. He doesn't want to throw away what we have, but honestly I don't think we have anything. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but if I'm honest, and I am, I think this was a rebound thing for him. I think he is probably still in love with his previous girlfriend.
That is fine with me, I think mainly because I'm unsure if I will ever find someone that I want to settle down with again. I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog (and you will see the promise if you read back to some old posts) that I would never "settle" again and I stand by that. I want something spectacular - someone I can't keep my hands off of, someone whose company I can't get enough of, someone who challenges me, makes me better, makes me think more, doesn't just agree with me to please me. Someone who is strong, independent and doesn't need me, but wants me.
But you know what, I don't want that person yet - right now I'm still just enjoying being with me.
Tonight I had such a lovely evening with me, I indulged in a couple of real classic chick flicks, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Pretty Woman - interestingly, both films where the leading character is a call girl, I hadn't made the connection until just now! Maybe that's the answer, sell my body for sex and find the man of my dreams. Problem is I'm not sure anyone would pay for this slightly soft, post baby body!!!
Ah well.
On the plus side, this time tomorrow, one way or another, this will all be over with and I'll be back to feeling normal again. Or here's to hoping at least.
For some reason knowing that I might have miscarried naturally has made it more difficult, to have that choice taken away makes it tough. Which doesn't make sense as I am certain that the father finds it makes it far easier.
Talking of him, things are not going so well. He's been a bit too much recently and I've let it get to me - mostly hormones I think, making me cranky, but also because I've come to this horrible realisation that perhaps it's not quite what I thought it was going to be. I am certain he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've tried to tell him that, but in a kind way, and it would seem that he isn't really getting it. He doesn't want to throw away what we have, but honestly I don't think we have anything. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but if I'm honest, and I am, I think this was a rebound thing for him. I think he is probably still in love with his previous girlfriend.
That is fine with me, I think mainly because I'm unsure if I will ever find someone that I want to settle down with again. I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog (and you will see the promise if you read back to some old posts) that I would never "settle" again and I stand by that. I want something spectacular - someone I can't keep my hands off of, someone whose company I can't get enough of, someone who challenges me, makes me better, makes me think more, doesn't just agree with me to please me. Someone who is strong, independent and doesn't need me, but wants me.
But you know what, I don't want that person yet - right now I'm still just enjoying being with me.
Tonight I had such a lovely evening with me, I indulged in a couple of real classic chick flicks, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Pretty Woman - interestingly, both films where the leading character is a call girl, I hadn't made the connection until just now! Maybe that's the answer, sell my body for sex and find the man of my dreams. Problem is I'm not sure anyone would pay for this slightly soft, post baby body!!!
Ah well.
On the plus side, this time tomorrow, one way or another, this will all be over with and I'll be back to feeling normal again. Or here's to hoping at least.
The right to choose...
I'm in something of a predicament. In fact, I'd call it more of a major fuck up than a predicament. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now, all was going well, we were getting on swimmingly and both thought there was a possibility of a future and then I find out I am pregnant.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....
The difficulty of this situation is, for many reasons, relating to my health, problems following the birth of H, finances, living situations (he lives 110 miles away) job situations etc - the right thing for me to do is not to see the pregnancy through. Please do not judge me. I do not write here for judgement, I write here because I need an outlet. Especially now.
The most difficult part of this situation is that the guy absolutely, 100%, wants me to keep it. He thinks that we will be a lovely little happy family. I have now spent 24 solid hours listening to him cry on my shoulder, beg me to keep it, plead with me to reconsider, show me videos of scans, check out foetal development - the list goes on.
I feel terrible, I really do. I don't want to hurt him, that was never my intention, I want to make him happy but I will not bring a child into the world in order to make someone happy. That is not the right reason to have a baby.
What has absolutely exasperated this situation beyond all that is manageable by me is a letter from my solicitor. (we are in the process of bringing a claim against the hospital that treated me for H's birth as it is felt that they were negligent in their care and subsequently failed to diagnose and treat a severe injury) This letter had enclosed the first of many specialist reports that I am due to receive. The report brought back many painful memories of the last three years, and as I sat reading it, tears streaming down my face I became even more certain of the choice I have made.
It was clear from the report that any further pregnancies could have serious medical implications for me and that any instance of child birth could cause absolute and total incontinence. At 30 years old that is not a desired outcome.
What I didn't realise until reading the report, is that the extent of my injuries were more serious than even I realised. Now let me just quantify this by saying that when H was born I was told I was injured, the injury was described to me. For the subsequent 8 weeks all of the medical professionals that I saw stuck to that description. I then saw a specialist who told me that in fact my injury was far more severe and this would have been clear to the medical professionals that had treated me and in fact they were keeping quiet in order to "hope for the best" - am I instilling a sense of faith in the NHS yet?
Since this point I have undergone two extremely painful and invasive operations in order to repair the damage that only worsened because it was not identified at the time of delivery. One of these operations led to a stay in hospital that was longer than I would have received for open heart surgery - fun.
Even after all of this, even after seeing more specialists than I can shake a stick at, even after being so sick of hospitals I hope to never need one again for as long as I live, I was still not aware of the severity of my injuries. I was shocked by the report that I read.
I thought that it might help aforementioned man to understand my point of view better if I could explain in more detail the medical risks I would be opening myself up to and explain the severity of the injury described in the report. I tried this. He wasn't interested in listening. All he could say was, yes you've told me that. I'm sure it will be fine.
Where is the basis for that judgement?? The procedure that was carried out on me is rare, in fact it is so rare that it is documented as only having been carried out on 43 people in the UK in the last 10 years. It is also a one shot thing, the nature of the repair means that should it fail or symptoms worsen then there is nothing further that can be completed.
It is likely that as time goes on I will become more systematic than I am now. It is likely that my continence will worsen. That is not something I relish at such a young age. I cannot risk hurrying those events along by carrying another child. How could I?
Please can someone understand my point of view?
Oh and if you need any further convincing then consider these arguments as well. In my pregnancy with H I developed a condition called SPD - essentially my pelvis separated due to too much of the hormone "relaxin" being produced by my body. This caused insufferable pain that led me to barely be able to walk, in fact at one point I was expected to see out my pregnancy in a wheelchair. Luckily this only lasts for as long as you are pregnant as it is a pregnancy related hormone and I was fine again afterwards. With H I developed this at about 13 weeks and at 20 weeks I gave up work. I am currently just over 5 weeks with this pregnancy and I feel the pain already.
If it continues I will not be able to look after my son, I will not be able to take him to the park, lift him into the bath, take him in and out of the car. I will not be able to work for much longer as my job involves a lot of driving which is near impossible with SPD, if I cannot work I do not earn money to put a roof over mine and H's head.
In addition I live in a tiny (but lovely) 2 bed bungalow - no room for a baby. I do not want to move again as I don't want to uproot H.
I am a single mum to H, I cannot afford to maintain a house, keep him in nursery etc on maternity pay.
The list is just endless. But it ends with:
I am not ready for a baby. I am not ready to settle down with someone I have been dating for 2 months. I am not ready to make a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't know, right now, if I want to spend the rest of the week with. I do not want to bring another child into the world and have yet another failed relationship with its father. I hate every single day that me and H's Dad are not together - not because I love him but because that is the family I wanted for my son.
On the plus side, for what I imagine is the first time ever since I have blogged I entirely fail to see a plus side. Today I see rock bottom. In fact, scrap that, to quote the best TV show of all time, I see rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap and then me.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....
The difficulty of this situation is, for many reasons, relating to my health, problems following the birth of H, finances, living situations (he lives 110 miles away) job situations etc - the right thing for me to do is not to see the pregnancy through. Please do not judge me. I do not write here for judgement, I write here because I need an outlet. Especially now.
The most difficult part of this situation is that the guy absolutely, 100%, wants me to keep it. He thinks that we will be a lovely little happy family. I have now spent 24 solid hours listening to him cry on my shoulder, beg me to keep it, plead with me to reconsider, show me videos of scans, check out foetal development - the list goes on.
I feel terrible, I really do. I don't want to hurt him, that was never my intention, I want to make him happy but I will not bring a child into the world in order to make someone happy. That is not the right reason to have a baby.
What has absolutely exasperated this situation beyond all that is manageable by me is a letter from my solicitor. (we are in the process of bringing a claim against the hospital that treated me for H's birth as it is felt that they were negligent in their care and subsequently failed to diagnose and treat a severe injury) This letter had enclosed the first of many specialist reports that I am due to receive. The report brought back many painful memories of the last three years, and as I sat reading it, tears streaming down my face I became even more certain of the choice I have made.
It was clear from the report that any further pregnancies could have serious medical implications for me and that any instance of child birth could cause absolute and total incontinence. At 30 years old that is not a desired outcome.
What I didn't realise until reading the report, is that the extent of my injuries were more serious than even I realised. Now let me just quantify this by saying that when H was born I was told I was injured, the injury was described to me. For the subsequent 8 weeks all of the medical professionals that I saw stuck to that description. I then saw a specialist who told me that in fact my injury was far more severe and this would have been clear to the medical professionals that had treated me and in fact they were keeping quiet in order to "hope for the best" - am I instilling a sense of faith in the NHS yet?
Since this point I have undergone two extremely painful and invasive operations in order to repair the damage that only worsened because it was not identified at the time of delivery. One of these operations led to a stay in hospital that was longer than I would have received for open heart surgery - fun.
Even after all of this, even after seeing more specialists than I can shake a stick at, even after being so sick of hospitals I hope to never need one again for as long as I live, I was still not aware of the severity of my injuries. I was shocked by the report that I read.
I thought that it might help aforementioned man to understand my point of view better if I could explain in more detail the medical risks I would be opening myself up to and explain the severity of the injury described in the report. I tried this. He wasn't interested in listening. All he could say was, yes you've told me that. I'm sure it will be fine.
Where is the basis for that judgement?? The procedure that was carried out on me is rare, in fact it is so rare that it is documented as only having been carried out on 43 people in the UK in the last 10 years. It is also a one shot thing, the nature of the repair means that should it fail or symptoms worsen then there is nothing further that can be completed.
It is likely that as time goes on I will become more systematic than I am now. It is likely that my continence will worsen. That is not something I relish at such a young age. I cannot risk hurrying those events along by carrying another child. How could I?
Please can someone understand my point of view?
Oh and if you need any further convincing then consider these arguments as well. In my pregnancy with H I developed a condition called SPD - essentially my pelvis separated due to too much of the hormone "relaxin" being produced by my body. This caused insufferable pain that led me to barely be able to walk, in fact at one point I was expected to see out my pregnancy in a wheelchair. Luckily this only lasts for as long as you are pregnant as it is a pregnancy related hormone and I was fine again afterwards. With H I developed this at about 13 weeks and at 20 weeks I gave up work. I am currently just over 5 weeks with this pregnancy and I feel the pain already.
If it continues I will not be able to look after my son, I will not be able to take him to the park, lift him into the bath, take him in and out of the car. I will not be able to work for much longer as my job involves a lot of driving which is near impossible with SPD, if I cannot work I do not earn money to put a roof over mine and H's head.
In addition I live in a tiny (but lovely) 2 bed bungalow - no room for a baby. I do not want to move again as I don't want to uproot H.
I am a single mum to H, I cannot afford to maintain a house, keep him in nursery etc on maternity pay.
The list is just endless. But it ends with:
I am not ready for a baby. I am not ready to settle down with someone I have been dating for 2 months. I am not ready to make a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't know, right now, if I want to spend the rest of the week with. I do not want to bring another child into the world and have yet another failed relationship with its father. I hate every single day that me and H's Dad are not together - not because I love him but because that is the family I wanted for my son.
On the plus side, for what I imagine is the first time ever since I have blogged I entirely fail to see a plus side. Today I see rock bottom. In fact, scrap that, to quote the best TV show of all time, I see rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap and then me.
Families suck...
I've had a really emotional day today. I think I have PMT, at least I hope I do, or I have real problems.
It was H's birthday on Friday and I took the day off work with him. We went to a play farm and then I arranged a visit to a police car whereby he got to turn the sirens and lights on, he loved it. His Dad then had him for the weekend so I didn't get to see him on Saturday or Sunday and picked him up again this evening.
Bearing all of this in mind none of my friends or family got to see H over the weekend, what I found more than a bit disappointing though was that no one called or text me on his birthday, no one put a card through the letter box, no one called in on his birthday or over the weekend.
So what really brought it all to light today, which is why I have had an emotional day, was that my Dad popped round. He arrived, said hello and that he was popping in for a quick cuppa etc, we chatted for about 10 minutes when I asked if he'd forgotten anything, he said no to which I replied "Your Grandsons Birthday?"..
Yes - he'd forgotten.
When he left I got quite down and teary and proceeded to send rather emotional texts to my two best friends and my brother in law, advising them that they were a bit crap.
In their defence they did all come through for H in the end, but since when did it become acceptable to forget a 3 year olds birthday?
On the plus side, I went out and bought him a new bike because I felt that everyone else had really let him down - his little face just lit up when I saw it. He makes my life worthwhile.
It was H's birthday on Friday and I took the day off work with him. We went to a play farm and then I arranged a visit to a police car whereby he got to turn the sirens and lights on, he loved it. His Dad then had him for the weekend so I didn't get to see him on Saturday or Sunday and picked him up again this evening.
Bearing all of this in mind none of my friends or family got to see H over the weekend, what I found more than a bit disappointing though was that no one called or text me on his birthday, no one put a card through the letter box, no one called in on his birthday or over the weekend.
So what really brought it all to light today, which is why I have had an emotional day, was that my Dad popped round. He arrived, said hello and that he was popping in for a quick cuppa etc, we chatted for about 10 minutes when I asked if he'd forgotten anything, he said no to which I replied "Your Grandsons Birthday?"..
Yes - he'd forgotten.
When he left I got quite down and teary and proceeded to send rather emotional texts to my two best friends and my brother in law, advising them that they were a bit crap.
In their defence they did all come through for H in the end, but since when did it become acceptable to forget a 3 year olds birthday?
On the plus side, I went out and bought him a new bike because I felt that everyone else had really let him down - his little face just lit up when I saw it. He makes my life worthwhile.
It's been a while
The title says it all really. I have taken something of an extended sabbatical from social networking; Blogging, Facebook and Twitter have all seen a reduction in activity from me over recent months.
For some reason I haven't felt like sharing life with the Internet; maybe it just hasn't been that interesting?
Since I last shared on my Blog a lot has happened: H and I have moved house; H has changed childcare and is now at nursery full time - excellent decision; I have dated; stopped dating; dated again; been messed around; been hurt; got over it; had fun. I've spent a few weekends away: one memorable one in London with a guy I thought may have been special; one even more memorable one in Butlins, Skegness (70's music, fancy dress and hundreds of pounds worth of alcohol) with a bunch of fabulous girls; and finally four incredible days in Dublin with my Sister and friends. Which leads me naturally to, what is arguably, the biggest event since I disappeared off of the face of Social Network Earth - I am no longer a 20 something, I am now officially in my 30's.
So whilst some may argue that I haven't blogged, updated status' or tweeted because life hasn't been interesting, in fact it's quite the opposite - I have been rather too busy living life to write about it.
What I have found, though, is that I have missed having an outlet. None more so than last night when I was back in that place of no sleep; my mind was too busy spinning with the detail of what is going on in my life and sleep was, most definitely, eluding me. The problem, when you have an intense day, a bad day, as I did yesterday, you start to question other things in your life. You start to feel shades of insecurity. Or I do at least.
Yesterday I had to see a couple of doctors, for reasons relating to the operations that I have mentioned in previous posts. The visits were, putting it mildly, hard work. I haven't cried for months and yesterday I think I made up for it. The emotional strain was one of the hardest things I've faced for quite some time now. Unfortunately one of the doctors was less than pleasant which made it even harder to cope with.
My Sister was due to come with me yesterday but she was ill. I wish she had been there, sometimes I just feel like I need my big Sister. That said, I was accompanied by someone who has become very special in my life. Someone who I will tell you all about in another post - for now, let's just say, there is no more Guy Number 1, 2, 3 or 4 - there is just this guy. Anyway, said guy very kindly came with me, I was unsure about his company for the event because I knew I'd be upset, but I held it together well and he kept my mind off of the horrible events of the day. So I guess it was a success.
So back to my mind and why I couldn't sleep last night. Well naturally it was spinning with the events of yesterday, but lots of other things in my life as well. Now I'm up, awake and feeling a bit better I can't even really remember why I couldn't sleep but I do know that whilst lying there, unable to sleep, I wanted to blog. So here I am. I am back in the world of Social Networking. I've missed you.
On the plus side, with how life has been over the last 6 months or so I definitely don't regret living it rather than writing about it!
For some reason I haven't felt like sharing life with the Internet; maybe it just hasn't been that interesting?
Since I last shared on my Blog a lot has happened: H and I have moved house; H has changed childcare and is now at nursery full time - excellent decision; I have dated; stopped dating; dated again; been messed around; been hurt; got over it; had fun. I've spent a few weekends away: one memorable one in London with a guy I thought may have been special; one even more memorable one in Butlins, Skegness (70's music, fancy dress and hundreds of pounds worth of alcohol) with a bunch of fabulous girls; and finally four incredible days in Dublin with my Sister and friends. Which leads me naturally to, what is arguably, the biggest event since I disappeared off of the face of Social Network Earth - I am no longer a 20 something, I am now officially in my 30's.
So whilst some may argue that I haven't blogged, updated status' or tweeted because life hasn't been interesting, in fact it's quite the opposite - I have been rather too busy living life to write about it.
What I have found, though, is that I have missed having an outlet. None more so than last night when I was back in that place of no sleep; my mind was too busy spinning with the detail of what is going on in my life and sleep was, most definitely, eluding me. The problem, when you have an intense day, a bad day, as I did yesterday, you start to question other things in your life. You start to feel shades of insecurity. Or I do at least.
Yesterday I had to see a couple of doctors, for reasons relating to the operations that I have mentioned in previous posts. The visits were, putting it mildly, hard work. I haven't cried for months and yesterday I think I made up for it. The emotional strain was one of the hardest things I've faced for quite some time now. Unfortunately one of the doctors was less than pleasant which made it even harder to cope with.
My Sister was due to come with me yesterday but she was ill. I wish she had been there, sometimes I just feel like I need my big Sister. That said, I was accompanied by someone who has become very special in my life. Someone who I will tell you all about in another post - for now, let's just say, there is no more Guy Number 1, 2, 3 or 4 - there is just this guy. Anyway, said guy very kindly came with me, I was unsure about his company for the event because I knew I'd be upset, but I held it together well and he kept my mind off of the horrible events of the day. So I guess it was a success.
So back to my mind and why I couldn't sleep last night. Well naturally it was spinning with the events of yesterday, but lots of other things in my life as well. Now I'm up, awake and feeling a bit better I can't even really remember why I couldn't sleep but I do know that whilst lying there, unable to sleep, I wanted to blog. So here I am. I am back in the world of Social Networking. I've missed you.
On the plus side, with how life has been over the last 6 months or so I definitely don't regret living it rather than writing about it!
Hatred...
This is not an emotion I generally tend to associate with myself, most of my friends will testify that I always try to see the best in people, sometimes even to the point of naivety.
Right now I actually think I can say, hand on heart, that there is a person in my life I hate. I completely despise this person and I begrudge them the perfectly good air that they breathe.
Most would say, if you feel this way about a person then cut them from your life, easier said than done when this person is the father of your child.
I don't like the fact that I hate him. I really don't. I'd much rather have an amicable, friendly relationship with him, one that would be beneficial to H. But he is, without doubt, a c**t - and I don't really call people that.
I was explaining to a friend earlier that I can't even really tell you why I hate him, I can't put my finger on it. He is clever, he is devious, he is manipulative and by being these things he manages to twist and turn everything you say and do.
He is also controlling. When we were together he controlled me, I couldn't see it at the time but I was a mere shadow of the person I am now and I was before. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my family, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my friends, I wasn't allowed photos of my friends in the house ffs. But he did all of this without it being very obvious he was doing it.
He simultaneously destroyed my confidence and built me into the sort of person I didn't want to be, the sort of person who thought first of themself. But I became this way because I had no choice, no that is weak, there is always a choice, I became this way because I couldn't see another way out.
He made me believe that I was physchologically unhinged, I mean seriously, he needs to look in the mirror.
He is arrogant, self serving and loathesome.
Quite often, I actually think I'd just like to punch him hard in the face, and being the sensible, kind and caring grown up woman I am, I have never punched anyone, hard or otherwise, anywhere.
How the hell do I deal with this? How do I break away from him? We have been separated for 9 months yet he is still controlling my life, by proxy he is controlling where I live, he has entirely controlled the decisions over my sons childcare, he has stolen from me, he has intimidated me, he has threatened me, he has, in short, bullied me.
Why is he like this? Why does a person act in such a way?
Doesn't he realise that actually the only person who will suffer from this in the long run is my son? His son.
I'm just out of options, I want to move far away from him but that's not possible. I want to never see him again. I want to never speak to him again, but that's not possible.
I need to take control back. I need to re-gain my sense of self, my sense of self worth. I need to take my life back. For me and for H. And I need to do it now.
On the plus side, at least I know that leaving him was the best decision I ever made.
Right now I actually think I can say, hand on heart, that there is a person in my life I hate. I completely despise this person and I begrudge them the perfectly good air that they breathe.
Most would say, if you feel this way about a person then cut them from your life, easier said than done when this person is the father of your child.
I don't like the fact that I hate him. I really don't. I'd much rather have an amicable, friendly relationship with him, one that would be beneficial to H. But he is, without doubt, a c**t - and I don't really call people that.
I was explaining to a friend earlier that I can't even really tell you why I hate him, I can't put my finger on it. He is clever, he is devious, he is manipulative and by being these things he manages to twist and turn everything you say and do.
He is also controlling. When we were together he controlled me, I couldn't see it at the time but I was a mere shadow of the person I am now and I was before. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my family, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my friends, I wasn't allowed photos of my friends in the house ffs. But he did all of this without it being very obvious he was doing it.
He simultaneously destroyed my confidence and built me into the sort of person I didn't want to be, the sort of person who thought first of themself. But I became this way because I had no choice, no that is weak, there is always a choice, I became this way because I couldn't see another way out.
He made me believe that I was physchologically unhinged, I mean seriously, he needs to look in the mirror.
He is arrogant, self serving and loathesome.
Quite often, I actually think I'd just like to punch him hard in the face, and being the sensible, kind and caring grown up woman I am, I have never punched anyone, hard or otherwise, anywhere.
How the hell do I deal with this? How do I break away from him? We have been separated for 9 months yet he is still controlling my life, by proxy he is controlling where I live, he has entirely controlled the decisions over my sons childcare, he has stolen from me, he has intimidated me, he has threatened me, he has, in short, bullied me.
Why is he like this? Why does a person act in such a way?
Doesn't he realise that actually the only person who will suffer from this in the long run is my son? His son.
I'm just out of options, I want to move far away from him but that's not possible. I want to never see him again. I want to never speak to him again, but that's not possible.
I need to take control back. I need to re-gain my sense of self, my sense of self worth. I need to take my life back. For me and for H. And I need to do it now.
On the plus side, at least I know that leaving him was the best decision I ever made.
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