If anyone actually ever reads this and/or follows it, you will notice I have removed a lot of posts/parts of posts. Sorry - it probably doesn't scan well or make a lot of sense now. Now I've done it I'm actually feeling like I shouldn't have, for no other reason than it would have made interesting/pathetic reading in time to come and also, would have reminded me why I will NEVER EVER go back.
But this is what is known as cleansing.
I absolutely flat refuse to go into anymore detail, I will not waste my words, other than to say that right now what I feel is hatred. Oh that, and vengeful.
What I wouldn't give for everyone just to know the truth now - mainly those that deserve to know it.
I can't, and not for any misplaced loyalty, which was the reason beforehand, but now it's because I won't take the risk it would be for me personally - when that risk has passed maybe I'll reassess my position on this. I'll always have this hold now, and that is a position of strength. Welcome to knowing the darker side of me.
Who will know the truth, my friends, two already do. I will not have ANYONE hurt my friends.
On the plus side, now I'm fucking angry - it's a damn site better than being upset.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Procrastination...
What I should be doing right now is working, yet I find myself strangely drawn to posting - again. What is with this blog lark, it gets rather addictive. Why do you think that is? I wonder if anyone is actually reading this, if you do, please leave me a comment, I'd be interested to know.
I had a conversation with my boss today about a potential change in job role, it's something that I am quite excited about, there's a strong possibility that nothing will come of it, but you never know.
The only problem I have is that I have a serious ulterior motive for wanting to change jobs. I have spoken to a few very trusted people about this potential change, and one not so trusted person; but given that this will affect him I kinda had to talk to him about it. All of the reasons I have given to those few that I have spoken to remain very true, however I have told no one about my ulterior motive which is probably why I feel compelled to post tonight.
On the plus side, the possibility of this new role is exciting, challenging and I will back to doing what I love, developing people with potential. That's not to say the team I have at the moment don't have potential, just that I have done all I can with them and they don't need me anymore.
I had a conversation with my boss today about a potential change in job role, it's something that I am quite excited about, there's a strong possibility that nothing will come of it, but you never know.
The only problem I have is that I have a serious ulterior motive for wanting to change jobs. I have spoken to a few very trusted people about this potential change, and one not so trusted person; but given that this will affect him I kinda had to talk to him about it. All of the reasons I have given to those few that I have spoken to remain very true, however I have told no one about my ulterior motive which is probably why I feel compelled to post tonight.
On the plus side, the possibility of this new role is exciting, challenging and I will back to doing what I love, developing people with potential. That's not to say the team I have at the moment don't have potential, just that I have done all I can with them and they don't need me anymore.
Something I found...
I was just doing my normal trick, after I finish posting, of clicking on next blog. I do this to see if anything inspires me, catches my attention, makes me click follow on someone elses work. I found this and it encapsulates how I am feeling this evening about Guy Number 1:
"But I thought when we heard the blues, and smoked on my terrace we were creating memories? Memories that you would miss eventually, maybe?
I have been accused of exaggerating a connection a little bit, only because I tend to get too involved. But are you telling me that those memories we had for over 8 months don't come back to you every now and then?
I don't speak from a lovesick viewpoint. I am talking about a pure connections. About having a good time, with a special friend. It's not too great when what you perceive as special seems a bit evaporated, especially when it seems like you're the only one who holds those memories at a treasured place.
I might not be able to make those memories again, maybe a part of my faith in friendship has gone. But to have some parts cut out with a knife, and not even thrown away, but placed in front of nonchalance, can be a bit hurtful.
Is friendship a figment of my imagination?"
On the plus side, these are not my words so I don't to think of a "plus side" to them.
"But I thought when we heard the blues, and smoked on my terrace we were creating memories? Memories that you would miss eventually, maybe?
I have been accused of exaggerating a connection a little bit, only because I tend to get too involved. But are you telling me that those memories we had for over 8 months don't come back to you every now and then?
I don't speak from a lovesick viewpoint. I am talking about a pure connections. About having a good time, with a special friend. It's not too great when what you perceive as special seems a bit evaporated, especially when it seems like you're the only one who holds those memories at a treasured place.
I might not be able to make those memories again, maybe a part of my faith in friendship has gone. But to have some parts cut out with a knife, and not even thrown away, but placed in front of nonchalance, can be a bit hurtful.
Is friendship a figment of my imagination?"
On the plus side, these are not my words so I don't to think of a "plus side" to them.
"Love" Interests...
Well it's official, I've whittled the men in my life down to two.
Guy Number 4 - complete wash out, not for me at all. I did say I would introduce you to Guy Number 4 but to be honest, I really can't be bothered to waste my time, and words, on doing so.
Which leaves Guys 2 & 3.
Guy Number 3 is a no go for anything other than a bit of fun, he's getting too attached, far too quickly and I actually had to tell him on Thursday evening that if what he is looking for is a girlfriend then he is looking in the wrong place. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend at this point in time.
Guy Number 2 is a more tricky proposition, he's very nice, particularly pleasing on the eye and all the other great things that I've mentioned in previous posts etc, and for the first time tonight I felt that allusive chemistry, spark, however you want to put it. I went round to his this evening, he cooked me dinner (and he's a bloody good cook as well!!) we watched a film together, cuddled up on the sofa and it was really nice. He's actually just text me because he wanted to let me know that he really likes me - which is always nice to hear. I am beginning to wonder if there might be something real developing here. The same applies to him, I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now, but he's taking it really slow, doesn't appear to have any hidden issues and most importantly, he is a Dad, therefore he understands what it means to be a parent. But is it enough, or is it just another example of the settling, that I so faithfully promised myself I wouldn't do?
The other evening on the way home from work I found myself, for what is probably the first time ever, missing H's Dad. There's no going back, and I wouldn't want to go back, but I have never really allowed myself to grieve the loss of that relationship and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I really don't love him anymore, I know I am not over him. I miss how well he knows me, the humour we always had in our relationship, the banter that we were so good at and most of all, I miss the conversation. There has never been another person in my life that quite matches up to all of that. There was too much missing for it to work out with us, I know that for a fact, but whilst I ended it for the right reasons, I did it in the wrong way. I broke his heart and until I forgive myself for what happened between us, for the choices I made and the ways in which I acted, I can't really move on properly.
On the plus side, tomorrow is a new day and one in which I have a very important conversation planned - one that may change the course of my life.
Guy Number 4 - complete wash out, not for me at all. I did say I would introduce you to Guy Number 4 but to be honest, I really can't be bothered to waste my time, and words, on doing so.
Which leaves Guys 2 & 3.
Guy Number 3 is a no go for anything other than a bit of fun, he's getting too attached, far too quickly and I actually had to tell him on Thursday evening that if what he is looking for is a girlfriend then he is looking in the wrong place. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend at this point in time.
Guy Number 2 is a more tricky proposition, he's very nice, particularly pleasing on the eye and all the other great things that I've mentioned in previous posts etc, and for the first time tonight I felt that allusive chemistry, spark, however you want to put it. I went round to his this evening, he cooked me dinner (and he's a bloody good cook as well!!) we watched a film together, cuddled up on the sofa and it was really nice. He's actually just text me because he wanted to let me know that he really likes me - which is always nice to hear. I am beginning to wonder if there might be something real developing here. The same applies to him, I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now, but he's taking it really slow, doesn't appear to have any hidden issues and most importantly, he is a Dad, therefore he understands what it means to be a parent. But is it enough, or is it just another example of the settling, that I so faithfully promised myself I wouldn't do?
The other evening on the way home from work I found myself, for what is probably the first time ever, missing H's Dad. There's no going back, and I wouldn't want to go back, but I have never really allowed myself to grieve the loss of that relationship and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I really don't love him anymore, I know I am not over him. I miss how well he knows me, the humour we always had in our relationship, the banter that we were so good at and most of all, I miss the conversation. There has never been another person in my life that quite matches up to all of that. There was too much missing for it to work out with us, I know that for a fact, but whilst I ended it for the right reasons, I did it in the wrong way. I broke his heart and until I forgive myself for what happened between us, for the choices I made and the ways in which I acted, I can't really move on properly.
On the plus side, tomorrow is a new day and one in which I have a very important conversation planned - one that may change the course of my life.
Appropriate Conversation...
At what point did it become appropriate to tell someone you have never met, via text, how horny you are?
And then I get called the bitch for not replying to the text. Some people have some serious issues.
On the plus side, is there a plus side to this story?
And then I get called the bitch for not replying to the text. Some people have some serious issues.
On the plus side, is there a plus side to this story?
Friends...
I'd like to talk about my friends today.
I consider myself extremely fortunate that I have a number of people in my life who I love and who love me in return. Over recent months I have come to realise that this is truly the most important thing you can have. Love, of any kind, supercedes anything else in this life, and if you go through your life being loved, even if it is only by one person then you have suceeded.
So, my friends. I have mentioned before that I have 3 that I would consider "bests".
Friend Number 1
My oldest and dearest friend, the person who at 7 years old came knocking on my door asking if I would like to go to her birthday party. Over our 22 years of friendship we have been through so much together. She is amazing, strong, intelligent, witty, sharp, sarcastic and giving. She has held my hand and had my back through all of the bad stuff in my life and cheered me on and supported me through all of the good. She sets high standards, not just for herself, but for me too. In short she makes me a better person. And when I worry she will judge me for something I have done or am contemplating, she hugs me and tells me that she loves me. This woman, this incredible woman, loves and adores her friends, her family and most of all, her son. It had never occurred to me that she would be such a natural at motherhood, but it's fair to say that she puts me to shame. She is a SAHM with her lovely little boy and she has absolutely and completely blossomed since taking on the hardest job in the world. To see the love that pours from her face when she looks at her son makes me realise that she is, quite possibly, one of the best people that I know.
Friend Number 2
My closest ally in all that I do. The woman who is so like me in so many ways it becomes quite scary at times. She understands me, almost like no one else can understand me because inevitably, whatever we go through, somehow, someway, the other one of us has experienced it already or is going through it too. The strength of character this woman has is immense. She sent me an email recently thanking me for my friendship, she had been through a tough time and I was there for her, as I will always be for the rest of my life, regardless of where time or life takes us. Her email said that it was at times like this that she realised how well I know her, and I do. It was reading that email that I realised that I do know her, as she knows me, and how we will know each other that way for the rest of our lives. She is grieving at the moment, and I want to her know that I understand, I empathise and if I could take it away from her, I would.
Friend Number 3
She has not been part of my life for as long as 1 & 2 have, and I know her through 1 & 2, albeit she is not as close to them anymore. 14 years we have now been friends and she is like a sister to me. Her Mother is like a Mother to me and her Husband is someone I love dearly. The happiness she has in her relationship is incredible and it is something I aspire to. They want children but cannot have them naturally. This is a situation that would drive lesser couples apart but to see them together you can see that it actually drives them closer. I cannot imagine how difficult things must be for her and her husband sometimes, but to know that they will be happy together for the rest of their lives, even if it is just them, must hold some comfort for them. It does for me.
I often liken myself and my friends to the SATC girls, but in doing so I have to wonder, who is who?
Friend Number 1 is easy, she is Charlotte, the homebird whose family means the world to her.
Friend Number 2 is closest to Samantha, the beautiful blonde whose fun comes from male attention.
Friend Number 3 would have to be Miranda, she has her "Steve" and yet remains ever the cynic.
And me, well I guess that leaves Carrie. This is a good match for me, the ultimate single girl who is, at heart, just a hopeless romantic.
On the plus side, Carrie and Mr Big ended up together!
I consider myself extremely fortunate that I have a number of people in my life who I love and who love me in return. Over recent months I have come to realise that this is truly the most important thing you can have. Love, of any kind, supercedes anything else in this life, and if you go through your life being loved, even if it is only by one person then you have suceeded.
So, my friends. I have mentioned before that I have 3 that I would consider "bests".
Friend Number 1
My oldest and dearest friend, the person who at 7 years old came knocking on my door asking if I would like to go to her birthday party. Over our 22 years of friendship we have been through so much together. She is amazing, strong, intelligent, witty, sharp, sarcastic and giving. She has held my hand and had my back through all of the bad stuff in my life and cheered me on and supported me through all of the good. She sets high standards, not just for herself, but for me too. In short she makes me a better person. And when I worry she will judge me for something I have done or am contemplating, she hugs me and tells me that she loves me. This woman, this incredible woman, loves and adores her friends, her family and most of all, her son. It had never occurred to me that she would be such a natural at motherhood, but it's fair to say that she puts me to shame. She is a SAHM with her lovely little boy and she has absolutely and completely blossomed since taking on the hardest job in the world. To see the love that pours from her face when she looks at her son makes me realise that she is, quite possibly, one of the best people that I know.
Friend Number 2
My closest ally in all that I do. The woman who is so like me in so many ways it becomes quite scary at times. She understands me, almost like no one else can understand me because inevitably, whatever we go through, somehow, someway, the other one of us has experienced it already or is going through it too. The strength of character this woman has is immense. She sent me an email recently thanking me for my friendship, she had been through a tough time and I was there for her, as I will always be for the rest of my life, regardless of where time or life takes us. Her email said that it was at times like this that she realised how well I know her, and I do. It was reading that email that I realised that I do know her, as she knows me, and how we will know each other that way for the rest of our lives. She is grieving at the moment, and I want to her know that I understand, I empathise and if I could take it away from her, I would.
Friend Number 3
She has not been part of my life for as long as 1 & 2 have, and I know her through 1 & 2, albeit she is not as close to them anymore. 14 years we have now been friends and she is like a sister to me. Her Mother is like a Mother to me and her Husband is someone I love dearly. The happiness she has in her relationship is incredible and it is something I aspire to. They want children but cannot have them naturally. This is a situation that would drive lesser couples apart but to see them together you can see that it actually drives them closer. I cannot imagine how difficult things must be for her and her husband sometimes, but to know that they will be happy together for the rest of their lives, even if it is just them, must hold some comfort for them. It does for me.
I often liken myself and my friends to the SATC girls, but in doing so I have to wonder, who is who?
Friend Number 1 is easy, she is Charlotte, the homebird whose family means the world to her.
Friend Number 2 is closest to Samantha, the beautiful blonde whose fun comes from male attention.
Friend Number 3 would have to be Miranda, she has her "Steve" and yet remains ever the cynic.
And me, well I guess that leaves Carrie. This is a good match for me, the ultimate single girl who is, at heart, just a hopeless romantic.
On the plus side, Carrie and Mr Big ended up together!
This time baby I'll be bullet proof...
I've come to the conclusion that I will not let myself be hurt again, by anyone. It's time to put my defences back up and re-build the walls that I used to hide so effectively behind.
I will be strong again. No more "mushy" stuff in my life. All it did was open me up to feeling too much.
During the 7 hours that I have spent in my car today I have listened to a lot of music. You'd be forgiven for thinking that I picked either angry chick music or soppy love songs. I picked neither, I just randomly flicked through my iPod and found some release in lyrics that have inspired me.
"Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again...
...this time baby I'll be bulletproof"
"Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"
"So now you pour your heart out
You're telling me you're far out
You're not about to lie down for your cause
But you don't pull my strings
'Cos I'm a better man
Moving on to better things"
"Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"
"And I'm a little bit lost without you
This aint a love song this is goodbye"
I am going to get past this, put the thought of anything good coming out of this situation far from my mind and I am saying right now, that I will not do this to myself again.
On the plus side, on Sunday I will introduce you to Guy Number 4.
I will be strong again. No more "mushy" stuff in my life. All it did was open me up to feeling too much.
During the 7 hours that I have spent in my car today I have listened to a lot of music. You'd be forgiven for thinking that I picked either angry chick music or soppy love songs. I picked neither, I just randomly flicked through my iPod and found some release in lyrics that have inspired me.
"Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again...
...this time baby I'll be bulletproof"
"Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"
"So now you pour your heart out
You're telling me you're far out
You're not about to lie down for your cause
But you don't pull my strings
'Cos I'm a better man
Moving on to better things"
"Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"
"And I'm a little bit lost without you
This aint a love song this is goodbye"
I am going to get past this, put the thought of anything good coming out of this situation far from my mind and I am saying right now, that I will not do this to myself again.
On the plus side, on Sunday I will introduce you to Guy Number 4.
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