***WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS UNPLEASANT INFORMATION***
I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
Today I have hosted a baby shower for my best friend, something that has been being organised for some time, it couldn't have come at a worst time.
Prior to the party I made the decision to end things with the man I have been with, it seemed like the fairest thing for him. I felt like I was messing him around and holding him back from life and I don't want to do that. I don't know if it was the right decision, I might not know that until it's too late I guess.
I feel awful for hurting him, he has been through enough over the last year or so, he didn't need more from me - especially when I know he didn't expect it of me. I feel that I have let him down and I hate that feeling. I care so much for him, as a friend as well as anything else, I just don't think I can offer him what he needs or wants from life.
To make matters worse whilst at the baby shower today I miscarried the pregnancy. What a bad time. I thought that I got off lightly and things were over with easily the other day, clearly they weren't.
***HERE COMES THE TOO MUCH INFORMATION SECTION***
I felt myself start to bleed again, and I literally poured blood for about an hour, I had to change sanitary products about 4 times in that hour. On the last change I saw the pregnancy, I saw the gestational sac and the embryo inside of it. Oh God it's torn me up. I feel like I'm in shock, I can't really think, I can't really speak. Worst of all, I'm apparently incapable of crying because I just feel like I deserve this. The pain was quite severe, nothing I couldn't cope with, and I just had to keep pushing on through and serving everyone drinks and playing games relating to the mother-to-be. I feel sick. I hate what I have done and I am filled with regret. You're not supposed to see anything, they specifically told me when they treated me that I wouldn't see anything, that it would just be clots and blood. Well clearly the clots and blood had all gone, leaving just the pregnancy.
I'm a terrible person. How could I do this? This would have been my child, I am convinced, my daughter.
I know, sensibly and logically, there is no use thinking these things because the pregnancy had already died, but I cannot help it.
On the plus side, not today - I'm not doing a plus side today.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
D Day + 1...
Ok so yesterday was the day. I went, they scanned me again and I had miscarried the pregnancy. They went on to treat me because my body didn't seem capable of getting rid of it by itself, hence why the miscarriage was missed, so there was no real change to the plan as such.
Everything was fine, it was fairly easy and painless and it is all over with now. I feel a bit shit, but other than that I am fine. I just can't really decide how I feel about it all though, does that make sense?
I mean a couple of weeks ago I was set, I didn't want a baby, I absolutely didn't want any part of it, now I'm just not sure. Bit bloody late I hear you scream.
I'm still not sure that things with the Father are going anywhere, I just don't feel anything anymore, it's like everything we have been through over these last few weeks has just destroyed whatever potential we had - a bit dramatic I appreciate, but that's just how it feels. So I guess what happened was absolutely for the best, I still stand by not bringing a baby into the world when you are not settled and happy in your life and with your partner.
An old friend phoned tonight, someone who, I had to work hard to get over - whilst we didn't have anything serious I did feel a lot for him. Talking to him brought back feelings and memories, compounded even more by him saying: "If I had wanted to settle down (back when we were seeing each other) of course it would be with you, I would still want that with you now." I've no idea how that made me feel, but I do know that I felt guilty, that that conversation wasn't approrpiate or fair to the man who loves me enough to bring a child into the world with me.
Maybe it's me that was on the rebound this time around, maybe it was both of us, who the fuck knows.
All I do know is this: I really don't know where my head is at all, I don't know what I'm writing or even why I'm writing it. I'm going to go and get some horribly disgusting and unhealthy take away. I'm going to veg out in front of a shit film, and just do nothing. Healthy living starts again Monday.
On the plus side, I feel like clarity may be coming my way again, or at least I hope so.
Everything was fine, it was fairly easy and painless and it is all over with now. I feel a bit shit, but other than that I am fine. I just can't really decide how I feel about it all though, does that make sense?
I mean a couple of weeks ago I was set, I didn't want a baby, I absolutely didn't want any part of it, now I'm just not sure. Bit bloody late I hear you scream.
I'm still not sure that things with the Father are going anywhere, I just don't feel anything anymore, it's like everything we have been through over these last few weeks has just destroyed whatever potential we had - a bit dramatic I appreciate, but that's just how it feels. So I guess what happened was absolutely for the best, I still stand by not bringing a baby into the world when you are not settled and happy in your life and with your partner.
An old friend phoned tonight, someone who, I had to work hard to get over - whilst we didn't have anything serious I did feel a lot for him. Talking to him brought back feelings and memories, compounded even more by him saying: "If I had wanted to settle down (back when we were seeing each other) of course it would be with you, I would still want that with you now." I've no idea how that made me feel, but I do know that I felt guilty, that that conversation wasn't approrpiate or fair to the man who loves me enough to bring a child into the world with me.
Maybe it's me that was on the rebound this time around, maybe it was both of us, who the fuck knows.
All I do know is this: I really don't know where my head is at all, I don't know what I'm writing or even why I'm writing it. I'm going to go and get some horribly disgusting and unhealthy take away. I'm going to veg out in front of a shit film, and just do nothing. Healthy living starts again Monday.
On the plus side, I feel like clarity may be coming my way again, or at least I hope so.
D Day...
Tomorrow is the day when I go for the "treatment". I'm really not sure how I feel about that. I was quite set on what I wanted and how I wanted to approach the situation until I went for the first appointment last week and was told that there might not be a pregnancy - it would seem that they couldn't see anything on ultrasound, so they completed an internal ultrasound. All they could see on that was an empty gestational sac, there can be one of two reasons why that is the case, the first is that it was just too early in the pregnancy to see anything and the second is that the pregnancy just hadn't developed properly but my body was unaware of that fact.
For some reason knowing that I might have miscarried naturally has made it more difficult, to have that choice taken away makes it tough. Which doesn't make sense as I am certain that the father finds it makes it far easier.
Talking of him, things are not going so well. He's been a bit too much recently and I've let it get to me - mostly hormones I think, making me cranky, but also because I've come to this horrible realisation that perhaps it's not quite what I thought it was going to be. I am certain he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've tried to tell him that, but in a kind way, and it would seem that he isn't really getting it. He doesn't want to throw away what we have, but honestly I don't think we have anything. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but if I'm honest, and I am, I think this was a rebound thing for him. I think he is probably still in love with his previous girlfriend.
That is fine with me, I think mainly because I'm unsure if I will ever find someone that I want to settle down with again. I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog (and you will see the promise if you read back to some old posts) that I would never "settle" again and I stand by that. I want something spectacular - someone I can't keep my hands off of, someone whose company I can't get enough of, someone who challenges me, makes me better, makes me think more, doesn't just agree with me to please me. Someone who is strong, independent and doesn't need me, but wants me.
But you know what, I don't want that person yet - right now I'm still just enjoying being with me.
Tonight I had such a lovely evening with me, I indulged in a couple of real classic chick flicks, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Pretty Woman - interestingly, both films where the leading character is a call girl, I hadn't made the connection until just now! Maybe that's the answer, sell my body for sex and find the man of my dreams. Problem is I'm not sure anyone would pay for this slightly soft, post baby body!!!
Ah well.
On the plus side, this time tomorrow, one way or another, this will all be over with and I'll be back to feeling normal again. Or here's to hoping at least.
For some reason knowing that I might have miscarried naturally has made it more difficult, to have that choice taken away makes it tough. Which doesn't make sense as I am certain that the father finds it makes it far easier.
Talking of him, things are not going so well. He's been a bit too much recently and I've let it get to me - mostly hormones I think, making me cranky, but also because I've come to this horrible realisation that perhaps it's not quite what I thought it was going to be. I am certain he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've tried to tell him that, but in a kind way, and it would seem that he isn't really getting it. He doesn't want to throw away what we have, but honestly I don't think we have anything. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but if I'm honest, and I am, I think this was a rebound thing for him. I think he is probably still in love with his previous girlfriend.
That is fine with me, I think mainly because I'm unsure if I will ever find someone that I want to settle down with again. I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog (and you will see the promise if you read back to some old posts) that I would never "settle" again and I stand by that. I want something spectacular - someone I can't keep my hands off of, someone whose company I can't get enough of, someone who challenges me, makes me better, makes me think more, doesn't just agree with me to please me. Someone who is strong, independent and doesn't need me, but wants me.
But you know what, I don't want that person yet - right now I'm still just enjoying being with me.
Tonight I had such a lovely evening with me, I indulged in a couple of real classic chick flicks, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Pretty Woman - interestingly, both films where the leading character is a call girl, I hadn't made the connection until just now! Maybe that's the answer, sell my body for sex and find the man of my dreams. Problem is I'm not sure anyone would pay for this slightly soft, post baby body!!!
Ah well.
On the plus side, this time tomorrow, one way or another, this will all be over with and I'll be back to feeling normal again. Or here's to hoping at least.
The right to choose...
I'm in something of a predicament. In fact, I'd call it more of a major fuck up than a predicament. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now, all was going well, we were getting on swimmingly and both thought there was a possibility of a future and then I find out I am pregnant.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....
The difficulty of this situation is, for many reasons, relating to my health, problems following the birth of H, finances, living situations (he lives 110 miles away) job situations etc - the right thing for me to do is not to see the pregnancy through. Please do not judge me. I do not write here for judgement, I write here because I need an outlet. Especially now.
The most difficult part of this situation is that the guy absolutely, 100%, wants me to keep it. He thinks that we will be a lovely little happy family. I have now spent 24 solid hours listening to him cry on my shoulder, beg me to keep it, plead with me to reconsider, show me videos of scans, check out foetal development - the list goes on.
I feel terrible, I really do. I don't want to hurt him, that was never my intention, I want to make him happy but I will not bring a child into the world in order to make someone happy. That is not the right reason to have a baby.
What has absolutely exasperated this situation beyond all that is manageable by me is a letter from my solicitor. (we are in the process of bringing a claim against the hospital that treated me for H's birth as it is felt that they were negligent in their care and subsequently failed to diagnose and treat a severe injury) This letter had enclosed the first of many specialist reports that I am due to receive. The report brought back many painful memories of the last three years, and as I sat reading it, tears streaming down my face I became even more certain of the choice I have made.
It was clear from the report that any further pregnancies could have serious medical implications for me and that any instance of child birth could cause absolute and total incontinence. At 30 years old that is not a desired outcome.
What I didn't realise until reading the report, is that the extent of my injuries were more serious than even I realised. Now let me just quantify this by saying that when H was born I was told I was injured, the injury was described to me. For the subsequent 8 weeks all of the medical professionals that I saw stuck to that description. I then saw a specialist who told me that in fact my injury was far more severe and this would have been clear to the medical professionals that had treated me and in fact they were keeping quiet in order to "hope for the best" - am I instilling a sense of faith in the NHS yet?
Since this point I have undergone two extremely painful and invasive operations in order to repair the damage that only worsened because it was not identified at the time of delivery. One of these operations led to a stay in hospital that was longer than I would have received for open heart surgery - fun.
Even after all of this, even after seeing more specialists than I can shake a stick at, even after being so sick of hospitals I hope to never need one again for as long as I live, I was still not aware of the severity of my injuries. I was shocked by the report that I read.
I thought that it might help aforementioned man to understand my point of view better if I could explain in more detail the medical risks I would be opening myself up to and explain the severity of the injury described in the report. I tried this. He wasn't interested in listening. All he could say was, yes you've told me that. I'm sure it will be fine.
Where is the basis for that judgement?? The procedure that was carried out on me is rare, in fact it is so rare that it is documented as only having been carried out on 43 people in the UK in the last 10 years. It is also a one shot thing, the nature of the repair means that should it fail or symptoms worsen then there is nothing further that can be completed.
It is likely that as time goes on I will become more systematic than I am now. It is likely that my continence will worsen. That is not something I relish at such a young age. I cannot risk hurrying those events along by carrying another child. How could I?
Please can someone understand my point of view?
Oh and if you need any further convincing then consider these arguments as well. In my pregnancy with H I developed a condition called SPD - essentially my pelvis separated due to too much of the hormone "relaxin" being produced by my body. This caused insufferable pain that led me to barely be able to walk, in fact at one point I was expected to see out my pregnancy in a wheelchair. Luckily this only lasts for as long as you are pregnant as it is a pregnancy related hormone and I was fine again afterwards. With H I developed this at about 13 weeks and at 20 weeks I gave up work. I am currently just over 5 weeks with this pregnancy and I feel the pain already.
If it continues I will not be able to look after my son, I will not be able to take him to the park, lift him into the bath, take him in and out of the car. I will not be able to work for much longer as my job involves a lot of driving which is near impossible with SPD, if I cannot work I do not earn money to put a roof over mine and H's head.
In addition I live in a tiny (but lovely) 2 bed bungalow - no room for a baby. I do not want to move again as I don't want to uproot H.
I am a single mum to H, I cannot afford to maintain a house, keep him in nursery etc on maternity pay.
The list is just endless. But it ends with:
I am not ready for a baby. I am not ready to settle down with someone I have been dating for 2 months. I am not ready to make a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't know, right now, if I want to spend the rest of the week with. I do not want to bring another child into the world and have yet another failed relationship with its father. I hate every single day that me and H's Dad are not together - not because I love him but because that is the family I wanted for my son.
On the plus side, for what I imagine is the first time ever since I have blogged I entirely fail to see a plus side. Today I see rock bottom. In fact, scrap that, to quote the best TV show of all time, I see rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap and then me.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....
The difficulty of this situation is, for many reasons, relating to my health, problems following the birth of H, finances, living situations (he lives 110 miles away) job situations etc - the right thing for me to do is not to see the pregnancy through. Please do not judge me. I do not write here for judgement, I write here because I need an outlet. Especially now.
The most difficult part of this situation is that the guy absolutely, 100%, wants me to keep it. He thinks that we will be a lovely little happy family. I have now spent 24 solid hours listening to him cry on my shoulder, beg me to keep it, plead with me to reconsider, show me videos of scans, check out foetal development - the list goes on.
I feel terrible, I really do. I don't want to hurt him, that was never my intention, I want to make him happy but I will not bring a child into the world in order to make someone happy. That is not the right reason to have a baby.
What has absolutely exasperated this situation beyond all that is manageable by me is a letter from my solicitor. (we are in the process of bringing a claim against the hospital that treated me for H's birth as it is felt that they were negligent in their care and subsequently failed to diagnose and treat a severe injury) This letter had enclosed the first of many specialist reports that I am due to receive. The report brought back many painful memories of the last three years, and as I sat reading it, tears streaming down my face I became even more certain of the choice I have made.
It was clear from the report that any further pregnancies could have serious medical implications for me and that any instance of child birth could cause absolute and total incontinence. At 30 years old that is not a desired outcome.
What I didn't realise until reading the report, is that the extent of my injuries were more serious than even I realised. Now let me just quantify this by saying that when H was born I was told I was injured, the injury was described to me. For the subsequent 8 weeks all of the medical professionals that I saw stuck to that description. I then saw a specialist who told me that in fact my injury was far more severe and this would have been clear to the medical professionals that had treated me and in fact they were keeping quiet in order to "hope for the best" - am I instilling a sense of faith in the NHS yet?
Since this point I have undergone two extremely painful and invasive operations in order to repair the damage that only worsened because it was not identified at the time of delivery. One of these operations led to a stay in hospital that was longer than I would have received for open heart surgery - fun.
Even after all of this, even after seeing more specialists than I can shake a stick at, even after being so sick of hospitals I hope to never need one again for as long as I live, I was still not aware of the severity of my injuries. I was shocked by the report that I read.
I thought that it might help aforementioned man to understand my point of view better if I could explain in more detail the medical risks I would be opening myself up to and explain the severity of the injury described in the report. I tried this. He wasn't interested in listening. All he could say was, yes you've told me that. I'm sure it will be fine.
Where is the basis for that judgement?? The procedure that was carried out on me is rare, in fact it is so rare that it is documented as only having been carried out on 43 people in the UK in the last 10 years. It is also a one shot thing, the nature of the repair means that should it fail or symptoms worsen then there is nothing further that can be completed.
It is likely that as time goes on I will become more systematic than I am now. It is likely that my continence will worsen. That is not something I relish at such a young age. I cannot risk hurrying those events along by carrying another child. How could I?
Please can someone understand my point of view?
Oh and if you need any further convincing then consider these arguments as well. In my pregnancy with H I developed a condition called SPD - essentially my pelvis separated due to too much of the hormone "relaxin" being produced by my body. This caused insufferable pain that led me to barely be able to walk, in fact at one point I was expected to see out my pregnancy in a wheelchair. Luckily this only lasts for as long as you are pregnant as it is a pregnancy related hormone and I was fine again afterwards. With H I developed this at about 13 weeks and at 20 weeks I gave up work. I am currently just over 5 weeks with this pregnancy and I feel the pain already.
If it continues I will not be able to look after my son, I will not be able to take him to the park, lift him into the bath, take him in and out of the car. I will not be able to work for much longer as my job involves a lot of driving which is near impossible with SPD, if I cannot work I do not earn money to put a roof over mine and H's head.
In addition I live in a tiny (but lovely) 2 bed bungalow - no room for a baby. I do not want to move again as I don't want to uproot H.
I am a single mum to H, I cannot afford to maintain a house, keep him in nursery etc on maternity pay.
The list is just endless. But it ends with:
I am not ready for a baby. I am not ready to settle down with someone I have been dating for 2 months. I am not ready to make a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't know, right now, if I want to spend the rest of the week with. I do not want to bring another child into the world and have yet another failed relationship with its father. I hate every single day that me and H's Dad are not together - not because I love him but because that is the family I wanted for my son.
On the plus side, for what I imagine is the first time ever since I have blogged I entirely fail to see a plus side. Today I see rock bottom. In fact, scrap that, to quote the best TV show of all time, I see rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap and then me.
Families suck...
I've had a really emotional day today. I think I have PMT, at least I hope I do, or I have real problems.
It was H's birthday on Friday and I took the day off work with him. We went to a play farm and then I arranged a visit to a police car whereby he got to turn the sirens and lights on, he loved it. His Dad then had him for the weekend so I didn't get to see him on Saturday or Sunday and picked him up again this evening.
Bearing all of this in mind none of my friends or family got to see H over the weekend, what I found more than a bit disappointing though was that no one called or text me on his birthday, no one put a card through the letter box, no one called in on his birthday or over the weekend.
So what really brought it all to light today, which is why I have had an emotional day, was that my Dad popped round. He arrived, said hello and that he was popping in for a quick cuppa etc, we chatted for about 10 minutes when I asked if he'd forgotten anything, he said no to which I replied "Your Grandsons Birthday?"..
Yes - he'd forgotten.
When he left I got quite down and teary and proceeded to send rather emotional texts to my two best friends and my brother in law, advising them that they were a bit crap.
In their defence they did all come through for H in the end, but since when did it become acceptable to forget a 3 year olds birthday?
On the plus side, I went out and bought him a new bike because I felt that everyone else had really let him down - his little face just lit up when I saw it. He makes my life worthwhile.
It was H's birthday on Friday and I took the day off work with him. We went to a play farm and then I arranged a visit to a police car whereby he got to turn the sirens and lights on, he loved it. His Dad then had him for the weekend so I didn't get to see him on Saturday or Sunday and picked him up again this evening.
Bearing all of this in mind none of my friends or family got to see H over the weekend, what I found more than a bit disappointing though was that no one called or text me on his birthday, no one put a card through the letter box, no one called in on his birthday or over the weekend.
So what really brought it all to light today, which is why I have had an emotional day, was that my Dad popped round. He arrived, said hello and that he was popping in for a quick cuppa etc, we chatted for about 10 minutes when I asked if he'd forgotten anything, he said no to which I replied "Your Grandsons Birthday?"..
Yes - he'd forgotten.
When he left I got quite down and teary and proceeded to send rather emotional texts to my two best friends and my brother in law, advising them that they were a bit crap.
In their defence they did all come through for H in the end, but since when did it become acceptable to forget a 3 year olds birthday?
On the plus side, I went out and bought him a new bike because I felt that everyone else had really let him down - his little face just lit up when I saw it. He makes my life worthwhile.
It's been a while
The title says it all really. I have taken something of an extended sabbatical from social networking; Blogging, Facebook and Twitter have all seen a reduction in activity from me over recent months.
For some reason I haven't felt like sharing life with the Internet; maybe it just hasn't been that interesting?
Since I last shared on my Blog a lot has happened: H and I have moved house; H has changed childcare and is now at nursery full time - excellent decision; I have dated; stopped dating; dated again; been messed around; been hurt; got over it; had fun. I've spent a few weekends away: one memorable one in London with a guy I thought may have been special; one even more memorable one in Butlins, Skegness (70's music, fancy dress and hundreds of pounds worth of alcohol) with a bunch of fabulous girls; and finally four incredible days in Dublin with my Sister and friends. Which leads me naturally to, what is arguably, the biggest event since I disappeared off of the face of Social Network Earth - I am no longer a 20 something, I am now officially in my 30's.
So whilst some may argue that I haven't blogged, updated status' or tweeted because life hasn't been interesting, in fact it's quite the opposite - I have been rather too busy living life to write about it.
What I have found, though, is that I have missed having an outlet. None more so than last night when I was back in that place of no sleep; my mind was too busy spinning with the detail of what is going on in my life and sleep was, most definitely, eluding me. The problem, when you have an intense day, a bad day, as I did yesterday, you start to question other things in your life. You start to feel shades of insecurity. Or I do at least.
Yesterday I had to see a couple of doctors, for reasons relating to the operations that I have mentioned in previous posts. The visits were, putting it mildly, hard work. I haven't cried for months and yesterday I think I made up for it. The emotional strain was one of the hardest things I've faced for quite some time now. Unfortunately one of the doctors was less than pleasant which made it even harder to cope with.
My Sister was due to come with me yesterday but she was ill. I wish she had been there, sometimes I just feel like I need my big Sister. That said, I was accompanied by someone who has become very special in my life. Someone who I will tell you all about in another post - for now, let's just say, there is no more Guy Number 1, 2, 3 or 4 - there is just this guy. Anyway, said guy very kindly came with me, I was unsure about his company for the event because I knew I'd be upset, but I held it together well and he kept my mind off of the horrible events of the day. So I guess it was a success.
So back to my mind and why I couldn't sleep last night. Well naturally it was spinning with the events of yesterday, but lots of other things in my life as well. Now I'm up, awake and feeling a bit better I can't even really remember why I couldn't sleep but I do know that whilst lying there, unable to sleep, I wanted to blog. So here I am. I am back in the world of Social Networking. I've missed you.
On the plus side, with how life has been over the last 6 months or so I definitely don't regret living it rather than writing about it!
For some reason I haven't felt like sharing life with the Internet; maybe it just hasn't been that interesting?
Since I last shared on my Blog a lot has happened: H and I have moved house; H has changed childcare and is now at nursery full time - excellent decision; I have dated; stopped dating; dated again; been messed around; been hurt; got over it; had fun. I've spent a few weekends away: one memorable one in London with a guy I thought may have been special; one even more memorable one in Butlins, Skegness (70's music, fancy dress and hundreds of pounds worth of alcohol) with a bunch of fabulous girls; and finally four incredible days in Dublin with my Sister and friends. Which leads me naturally to, what is arguably, the biggest event since I disappeared off of the face of Social Network Earth - I am no longer a 20 something, I am now officially in my 30's.
So whilst some may argue that I haven't blogged, updated status' or tweeted because life hasn't been interesting, in fact it's quite the opposite - I have been rather too busy living life to write about it.
What I have found, though, is that I have missed having an outlet. None more so than last night when I was back in that place of no sleep; my mind was too busy spinning with the detail of what is going on in my life and sleep was, most definitely, eluding me. The problem, when you have an intense day, a bad day, as I did yesterday, you start to question other things in your life. You start to feel shades of insecurity. Or I do at least.
Yesterday I had to see a couple of doctors, for reasons relating to the operations that I have mentioned in previous posts. The visits were, putting it mildly, hard work. I haven't cried for months and yesterday I think I made up for it. The emotional strain was one of the hardest things I've faced for quite some time now. Unfortunately one of the doctors was less than pleasant which made it even harder to cope with.
My Sister was due to come with me yesterday but she was ill. I wish she had been there, sometimes I just feel like I need my big Sister. That said, I was accompanied by someone who has become very special in my life. Someone who I will tell you all about in another post - for now, let's just say, there is no more Guy Number 1, 2, 3 or 4 - there is just this guy. Anyway, said guy very kindly came with me, I was unsure about his company for the event because I knew I'd be upset, but I held it together well and he kept my mind off of the horrible events of the day. So I guess it was a success.
So back to my mind and why I couldn't sleep last night. Well naturally it was spinning with the events of yesterday, but lots of other things in my life as well. Now I'm up, awake and feeling a bit better I can't even really remember why I couldn't sleep but I do know that whilst lying there, unable to sleep, I wanted to blog. So here I am. I am back in the world of Social Networking. I've missed you.
On the plus side, with how life has been over the last 6 months or so I definitely don't regret living it rather than writing about it!
Hatred...
This is not an emotion I generally tend to associate with myself, most of my friends will testify that I always try to see the best in people, sometimes even to the point of naivety.
Right now I actually think I can say, hand on heart, that there is a person in my life I hate. I completely despise this person and I begrudge them the perfectly good air that they breathe.
Most would say, if you feel this way about a person then cut them from your life, easier said than done when this person is the father of your child.
I don't like the fact that I hate him. I really don't. I'd much rather have an amicable, friendly relationship with him, one that would be beneficial to H. But he is, without doubt, a c**t - and I don't really call people that.
I was explaining to a friend earlier that I can't even really tell you why I hate him, I can't put my finger on it. He is clever, he is devious, he is manipulative and by being these things he manages to twist and turn everything you say and do.
He is also controlling. When we were together he controlled me, I couldn't see it at the time but I was a mere shadow of the person I am now and I was before. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my family, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my friends, I wasn't allowed photos of my friends in the house ffs. But he did all of this without it being very obvious he was doing it.
He simultaneously destroyed my confidence and built me into the sort of person I didn't want to be, the sort of person who thought first of themself. But I became this way because I had no choice, no that is weak, there is always a choice, I became this way because I couldn't see another way out.
He made me believe that I was physchologically unhinged, I mean seriously, he needs to look in the mirror.
He is arrogant, self serving and loathesome.
Quite often, I actually think I'd just like to punch him hard in the face, and being the sensible, kind and caring grown up woman I am, I have never punched anyone, hard or otherwise, anywhere.
How the hell do I deal with this? How do I break away from him? We have been separated for 9 months yet he is still controlling my life, by proxy he is controlling where I live, he has entirely controlled the decisions over my sons childcare, he has stolen from me, he has intimidated me, he has threatened me, he has, in short, bullied me.
Why is he like this? Why does a person act in such a way?
Doesn't he realise that actually the only person who will suffer from this in the long run is my son? His son.
I'm just out of options, I want to move far away from him but that's not possible. I want to never see him again. I want to never speak to him again, but that's not possible.
I need to take control back. I need to re-gain my sense of self, my sense of self worth. I need to take my life back. For me and for H. And I need to do it now.
On the plus side, at least I know that leaving him was the best decision I ever made.
Right now I actually think I can say, hand on heart, that there is a person in my life I hate. I completely despise this person and I begrudge them the perfectly good air that they breathe.
Most would say, if you feel this way about a person then cut them from your life, easier said than done when this person is the father of your child.
I don't like the fact that I hate him. I really don't. I'd much rather have an amicable, friendly relationship with him, one that would be beneficial to H. But he is, without doubt, a c**t - and I don't really call people that.
I was explaining to a friend earlier that I can't even really tell you why I hate him, I can't put my finger on it. He is clever, he is devious, he is manipulative and by being these things he manages to twist and turn everything you say and do.
He is also controlling. When we were together he controlled me, I couldn't see it at the time but I was a mere shadow of the person I am now and I was before. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my family, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my friends, I wasn't allowed photos of my friends in the house ffs. But he did all of this without it being very obvious he was doing it.
He simultaneously destroyed my confidence and built me into the sort of person I didn't want to be, the sort of person who thought first of themself. But I became this way because I had no choice, no that is weak, there is always a choice, I became this way because I couldn't see another way out.
He made me believe that I was physchologically unhinged, I mean seriously, he needs to look in the mirror.
He is arrogant, self serving and loathesome.
Quite often, I actually think I'd just like to punch him hard in the face, and being the sensible, kind and caring grown up woman I am, I have never punched anyone, hard or otherwise, anywhere.
How the hell do I deal with this? How do I break away from him? We have been separated for 9 months yet he is still controlling my life, by proxy he is controlling where I live, he has entirely controlled the decisions over my sons childcare, he has stolen from me, he has intimidated me, he has threatened me, he has, in short, bullied me.
Why is he like this? Why does a person act in such a way?
Doesn't he realise that actually the only person who will suffer from this in the long run is my son? His son.
I'm just out of options, I want to move far away from him but that's not possible. I want to never see him again. I want to never speak to him again, but that's not possible.
I need to take control back. I need to re-gain my sense of self, my sense of self worth. I need to take my life back. For me and for H. And I need to do it now.
On the plus side, at least I know that leaving him was the best decision I ever made.
First (and last) dates...
I've really been putting myself out there, so to speak, on the dating scene recently. Guys 1 through 4 have all materialised into nothing, as per previous posts, so I figured it was time to get out there again and see what happens. It has been, to be blunt, what can only be described as an unmitigated disaster.
Not that these guys haven't been very nice, they have been, but it would seem that they don't seem to think the same of me...let me tell you about it.
Date 1 - The "older" guy. A lovely guy, 12 years my senior. We had a date nearly a fortnight ago, it went well, or so I thought. He was very pleasant, attractive and had all the pre-requisites that I put in place: Taller than me, attractive, ability to hold a conversation. (I don't ask for a lot!!) Prior to the date things were going very well, we were exchanging a number of texts etc, the date was good, we didn't run out of things to talk about, I even went back to his for coffee (just coffee), we exchanged a kiss when I left (an actual kiss, not just a kiss on the cheek). Since then, nada, nothing, zip, zilch.
Date 2 - We haven't actually had a date as yet, we have exchanged numbers and have been texting etc, a nice guy but not so tall (only a couple of inches taller than me - with my love of heels this could prove a problem). We are planning to go out later this month when he returns from a long weekend away.
Date 3 - Tonight's date. This was promising, 6'3", GORGEOUS, witty, intelligent, good job etc etc etc. The date could have had so much potential but for some reason it just didn't. It got off to a bad start, I was forty minutes late - yeah, yeah, I know, I'm always late. But even for me this was bad. I arrived at the pub that we were due to meet at, he met me outside and again, I thought: WOW, gorgeous. Immediately I was on a back foot, the old self doubt kicked in and I thought, what on earth is he doing on a date with me. As such, I spent the evening feeling as though I was batting outside of my league. I know, realistically speaking, that I am not batting out of my league with this guy, but I just couldn't help myself thinking that. Because of this I was nervous, I rambled, my eye contact was so lacking that even I noticed it. Eventually we just ran out of things to discuss. I went on and on about work and just kept trying to fill the silence. Rookie mistake. He was eternally polite, he even walked me to my car, kiss on the cheek, the obligitory thanks, it was nice to meet you etc and that was it. I will never hear from him again. That much is certain. Damnit, and it could have had real potential.
That's it for me on the dating scene for a while I think, I need a break.
On the plus side, is there a plus side to this story because I'm struggling to find one. Help?
Not that these guys haven't been very nice, they have been, but it would seem that they don't seem to think the same of me...let me tell you about it.
Date 1 - The "older" guy. A lovely guy, 12 years my senior. We had a date nearly a fortnight ago, it went well, or so I thought. He was very pleasant, attractive and had all the pre-requisites that I put in place: Taller than me, attractive, ability to hold a conversation. (I don't ask for a lot!!) Prior to the date things were going very well, we were exchanging a number of texts etc, the date was good, we didn't run out of things to talk about, I even went back to his for coffee (just coffee), we exchanged a kiss when I left (an actual kiss, not just a kiss on the cheek). Since then, nada, nothing, zip, zilch.
Date 2 - We haven't actually had a date as yet, we have exchanged numbers and have been texting etc, a nice guy but not so tall (only a couple of inches taller than me - with my love of heels this could prove a problem). We are planning to go out later this month when he returns from a long weekend away.
Date 3 - Tonight's date. This was promising, 6'3", GORGEOUS, witty, intelligent, good job etc etc etc. The date could have had so much potential but for some reason it just didn't. It got off to a bad start, I was forty minutes late - yeah, yeah, I know, I'm always late. But even for me this was bad. I arrived at the pub that we were due to meet at, he met me outside and again, I thought: WOW, gorgeous. Immediately I was on a back foot, the old self doubt kicked in and I thought, what on earth is he doing on a date with me. As such, I spent the evening feeling as though I was batting outside of my league. I know, realistically speaking, that I am not batting out of my league with this guy, but I just couldn't help myself thinking that. Because of this I was nervous, I rambled, my eye contact was so lacking that even I noticed it. Eventually we just ran out of things to discuss. I went on and on about work and just kept trying to fill the silence. Rookie mistake. He was eternally polite, he even walked me to my car, kiss on the cheek, the obligitory thanks, it was nice to meet you etc and that was it. I will never hear from him again. That much is certain. Damnit, and it could have had real potential.
That's it for me on the dating scene for a while I think, I need a break.
On the plus side, is there a plus side to this story because I'm struggling to find one. Help?
Life at the asylum, formerly known as my home..
When you think of a home, you could think of a serene and quiet place to spend your time. If you have children, you probably think of a mad house, covered in toys and never tidy for more than 5 minutes. If you're a single mother who has a two year old, a rather mental ginger poodle and a new kitten to boot, you probably think what I am thinking....at what point did this become a good idea?
The dog's nose is out of joint because his house has been invaded by the mortal enemy - the cat. The cat just keeps hissing at the dog because the dog gets in his face and H? Well H just wants to love them both, and frankly, neither of them are interested!
On the plus side, if the below html code works you should see said kitten - he is cute.
The dog's nose is out of joint because his house has been invaded by the mortal enemy - the cat. The cat just keeps hissing at the dog because the dog gets in his face and H? Well H just wants to love them both, and frankly, neither of them are interested!
On the plus side, if the below html code works you should see said kitten - he is cute.
Pain...
A friend read me this quote and I told her to blog about it. I'm returning the favour:
We still haven't learned, though, that growing up is all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good that you are just going to get hurt again. But each time, you learn something.
Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realise there are more flavours of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big, whirling pain of life up ending all of your plans and expectations. There are the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.
And if you're very ,very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realise that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time can't possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
Pain is part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the puzzle, the deep music, and the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you are alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way pain, leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve in one degree or another."
"There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown" - About 7 months ago I told H's Dad he had to leave. I decided that I needed to not be with him anymore. I decided that I needed to be single. That was a huge step into the unknown for me, not having been single for 8 years prior to this point. Occasionally this leaves me with empty pain, mainly for H rather than for me. Mainly because things with H are harder now than I ever imagined. It's difficult to know if what I am doing is in his best interests which in turn, makes me question my ability as a mother almost daily.
"There's the big, whirling pain of life up ending all of your plans and expectations", on the two occasions I have fallen pregnant life has up ended all of my plans and expectations. The second time did not cause pain, actually that's a lie, it caused huge amounts of physical pain that I doubt I will ever forget but the emotional impact has only really been positive. The pain caused by the first experience is something that I still cannot write about without crying and considering I'm feeling good tonight I am not going to write about it!
"There are the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would". Failure is something I am bad at. I worry every day that I am failing as a mother but that is not sharp little pain, that is terribly frightening hollow pain. The sharp little pains of failure would be making a mistake at work, not getting a job I applied for etc. Obscure aches of successes - I find this harder to notice because I am terribly good at making the best of all situations, or burying my head in the sand!
"There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up." Having someone you love choose someone else over you. Enough said.
"The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn." H. He is my rock, the one person in my life I love above all others and the one who I take the most joy in. Watching him grow, develop, change and challenge himself and me makes my heart burst with pride every single day.
"There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens." My friends. I have two who I would like to think I can empathise with. One because I have been through what she is going through and come out the other side. And one because she is one of the strongest ladies I have ever had the good fortune to know.
"And if you're very ,very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realise that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time can't possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life." Australia. Arriving in Byron Bay and living on Magnetic Island. Byron in particular felt like a moment of complete perfection for me. It felt like I belonged somewhere. That was, beyond doubt, one of the happiest times of my life.
On the plus side, right now I do not feel pain, of any description, I do however, feel content.
We still haven't learned, though, that growing up is all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good that you are just going to get hurt again. But each time, you learn something.
Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realise there are more flavours of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big, whirling pain of life up ending all of your plans and expectations. There are the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.
And if you're very ,very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realise that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time can't possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
Pain is part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the puzzle, the deep music, and the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you are alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way pain, leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve in one degree or another."
"There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown" - About 7 months ago I told H's Dad he had to leave. I decided that I needed to not be with him anymore. I decided that I needed to be single. That was a huge step into the unknown for me, not having been single for 8 years prior to this point. Occasionally this leaves me with empty pain, mainly for H rather than for me. Mainly because things with H are harder now than I ever imagined. It's difficult to know if what I am doing is in his best interests which in turn, makes me question my ability as a mother almost daily.
"There's the big, whirling pain of life up ending all of your plans and expectations", on the two occasions I have fallen pregnant life has up ended all of my plans and expectations. The second time did not cause pain, actually that's a lie, it caused huge amounts of physical pain that I doubt I will ever forget but the emotional impact has only really been positive. The pain caused by the first experience is something that I still cannot write about without crying and considering I'm feeling good tonight I am not going to write about it!
"There are the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would". Failure is something I am bad at. I worry every day that I am failing as a mother but that is not sharp little pain, that is terribly frightening hollow pain. The sharp little pains of failure would be making a mistake at work, not getting a job I applied for etc. Obscure aches of successes - I find this harder to notice because I am terribly good at making the best of all situations, or burying my head in the sand!
"There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up." Having someone you love choose someone else over you. Enough said.
"The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn." H. He is my rock, the one person in my life I love above all others and the one who I take the most joy in. Watching him grow, develop, change and challenge himself and me makes my heart burst with pride every single day.
"There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens." My friends. I have two who I would like to think I can empathise with. One because I have been through what she is going through and come out the other side. And one because she is one of the strongest ladies I have ever had the good fortune to know.
"And if you're very ,very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realise that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time can't possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life." Australia. Arriving in Byron Bay and living on Magnetic Island. Byron in particular felt like a moment of complete perfection for me. It felt like I belonged somewhere. That was, beyond doubt, one of the happiest times of my life.
On the plus side, right now I do not feel pain, of any description, I do however, feel content.
Girl Power...
"A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without losing the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month and a year..."
On the plus side, I've got 13 of these licked!
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without losing the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month and a year..."
On the plus side, I've got 13 of these licked!
Amazing things happen...
When people spread their wings...
I love this strapline. It's on my business' marketing materials but I think it's just such a good philosophy to live by.
I have experienced this personally over the last 6 months. I have learnt to spread my wings - I have learnt how to be on my own again. And you know what? I love it.
I've developed my friendships, my relationships with my family and have figured out how to do all of the things that I have become very used to relying on other people for - except changing lampshades....apparently I still can't do that!
I asked a friend of mine to post a blog based on how they have changed over the last 6 months but it got me to thinking, how have I changed over the last 6 months?
Well other than learning how to love being by myself again, I have grown. I have developed at work and I have developed personally. I have really learnt what it means to have strong relationships with people, especially my friends.
I have developed a new friendship over the last 6 months. Someone who is fast becoming a very good friend to me, someone whose company I enjoy, who is fun to be around, reliable, supportive and funny. This person (who is probably reading this, so I may just leave it in drafts...) does not give herself enough credit for the amazing person that she is. She, despite her opinion to the contrary, is a good friend. It occured to me this evening that I will miss her company over the next week whilst she is away.
I have become closer to my old friends, I spend more time with them and they spend more time with H. This is important to me, H's Dad wouldn't let my friends look after H, I don't know why, they are amazing with him, one in particular who just adores him. She is unable to have children for herself, at least not easily or naturally, and she was, in truth, born to be a Mother. She is desperate to be a Mum and if I can offer her the opportunity to be "Auntie" K to H then I know she will love him as much as anyone else (other than me) can do, and both her and H should have this in their lives.
I am closer to my sister, my lovely big sister, who bizarely thinks I am amazing. She constantly tells me how stunning, outgoing and friendly I am (biased much!!) and how she wants me to meet a man who is deserving - I'm not sure that in her skewed opinion, anyone will be deserving of me. But how nice is it to have this wonderful validation from a person whose opinion I value above all others? My sister is incredible, she has not had the easiest of times over the last 20 years, yet she remains positive, unselfish and caring - if I can grow into a person like my sister then I will be proud of my life.
In short I feel I have grown incredibly over the last 6 months, and despite the last 6 months not being easy for me, they have been fun, they have been good and I have learnt from them.
On the plus side, at least body image wise, I have shrunk slightly over the last 6 months!!
I love this strapline. It's on my business' marketing materials but I think it's just such a good philosophy to live by.
I have experienced this personally over the last 6 months. I have learnt to spread my wings - I have learnt how to be on my own again. And you know what? I love it.
I've developed my friendships, my relationships with my family and have figured out how to do all of the things that I have become very used to relying on other people for - except changing lampshades....apparently I still can't do that!
I asked a friend of mine to post a blog based on how they have changed over the last 6 months but it got me to thinking, how have I changed over the last 6 months?
Well other than learning how to love being by myself again, I have grown. I have developed at work and I have developed personally. I have really learnt what it means to have strong relationships with people, especially my friends.
I have developed a new friendship over the last 6 months. Someone who is fast becoming a very good friend to me, someone whose company I enjoy, who is fun to be around, reliable, supportive and funny. This person (who is probably reading this, so I may just leave it in drafts...) does not give herself enough credit for the amazing person that she is. She, despite her opinion to the contrary, is a good friend. It occured to me this evening that I will miss her company over the next week whilst she is away.
I have become closer to my old friends, I spend more time with them and they spend more time with H. This is important to me, H's Dad wouldn't let my friends look after H, I don't know why, they are amazing with him, one in particular who just adores him. She is unable to have children for herself, at least not easily or naturally, and she was, in truth, born to be a Mother. She is desperate to be a Mum and if I can offer her the opportunity to be "Auntie" K to H then I know she will love him as much as anyone else (other than me) can do, and both her and H should have this in their lives.
I am closer to my sister, my lovely big sister, who bizarely thinks I am amazing. She constantly tells me how stunning, outgoing and friendly I am (biased much!!) and how she wants me to meet a man who is deserving - I'm not sure that in her skewed opinion, anyone will be deserving of me. But how nice is it to have this wonderful validation from a person whose opinion I value above all others? My sister is incredible, she has not had the easiest of times over the last 20 years, yet she remains positive, unselfish and caring - if I can grow into a person like my sister then I will be proud of my life.
In short I feel I have grown incredibly over the last 6 months, and despite the last 6 months not being easy for me, they have been fun, they have been good and I have learnt from them.
On the plus side, at least body image wise, I have shrunk slightly over the last 6 months!!
Photos...
Until recently I have always claimed that I am not a "photo person". Before my son was born I didn't even own a camera and only purchased one because H's Dad insisted on it.
I never had any photographs in my house until very recently, for various reasons:
1. I used to think they cluttered the place up and all you had to do was move them to dust.
2. There were never any photos of things that I love
3. I hated photos of myself
4. H's Dad didn't like photos of my friends being up in the house (God only knows why!)
Recently I have become more photo orientated, I still don't own a camera (the one I bought when H was born went with his Dad when he left) other than the one on my phone - I need to rectify this.
I went a little bit nuts buying new photo frames over the last few days, I realised that there are so many people in my life that I love that I want that represented in my home, I want my house to feel like a home and in order to do so, it should reflect my life.
Therefore I have re-visited how I feel about photos:
1. Yes, photos need moving in order to dust, but so what?
2. There are so many things in my life that I love, and I have captured them on film in the past.
3. So, I might not be the most photogenic person in the world, again, so what?
4. H's Dad isn't in the picture anymore, now my friends are all over my house!
I'd like to share with you some of my photos (and some are photos of photos so the quality is poor, I apologise). More than this though, I'd like to share some of the stories behind the photos because they are reflective of great times, times that make me, me!
This is my gorgeous boy, H. He was poorly at the time so I was off work looking after him. He flaked out on the sofa, which he never does, and I couldn't help taking this shot of him looking so lovely and peaceful.
H again, at Halloween...!
My lovely family: My niece and sister, H, me and my Mum. This was taken at Christmas - it was a rough day as it was just after I separated from H's Dad, but what that Christmas made me realise was how important my family are to me. Being with H's Dad I put too much distance in my relationship with my family, I have that back now and I wouldn't change it for the world, my sister, above all else is one of my best friends. Isn't she stunning!!
Me and two of my best friends, Jo and Carly. I've known these two ladies for in excess of twenty years and they have been through the best and the worst with me. I wouldn't change either of them or our friendships for the world.
The Poodle! I love this photo, it was taken by a photographer friend of mine, she captured him perfectly.
The most recent photo taken of me, this was at a party I went to a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't seen most of the guests for the best part of 5 years and it was fantastic to catch up with some old, good, friends.
And finally, this is a picture frame I bought recently, it has a little bit of everyone in it. From top left: My sister's wedding day, I flew back from Oz to be her bridesmail. H, a professional photo that my childminder arranged. Me, my friend K and a guy we met in Oz - this was taken on Magnetic Island (Queensland), this was my favourite place in Oz, somewhere I subsequently returned to for 3 months to teach diving. My nephew, Aaron. Me as a bridesmaid for K. My niece, Alice. Same place in Oz but with Joe, an Irish guy I saw over there for a few months - he was delicious! Me as a baby, on our farm, with my pet cow! Again, my sister's wedding day - my Sis, her Hubby and their two lovely children.
That's my life in photos; most of the people in my life that I love. I have about twenty more to be framed but am rapidly running out of space - I also have some new people in my life that need to be added to my growing collections of pictures!
On the plus side, at least I have an excuse to shop some more!
I never had any photographs in my house until very recently, for various reasons:
1. I used to think they cluttered the place up and all you had to do was move them to dust.
2. There were never any photos of things that I love
3. I hated photos of myself
4. H's Dad didn't like photos of my friends being up in the house (God only knows why!)
Recently I have become more photo orientated, I still don't own a camera (the one I bought when H was born went with his Dad when he left) other than the one on my phone - I need to rectify this.
I went a little bit nuts buying new photo frames over the last few days, I realised that there are so many people in my life that I love that I want that represented in my home, I want my house to feel like a home and in order to do so, it should reflect my life.
Therefore I have re-visited how I feel about photos:
1. Yes, photos need moving in order to dust, but so what?
2. There are so many things in my life that I love, and I have captured them on film in the past.
3. So, I might not be the most photogenic person in the world, again, so what?
4. H's Dad isn't in the picture anymore, now my friends are all over my house!
I'd like to share with you some of my photos (and some are photos of photos so the quality is poor, I apologise). More than this though, I'd like to share some of the stories behind the photos because they are reflective of great times, times that make me, me!
This is my gorgeous boy, H. He was poorly at the time so I was off work looking after him. He flaked out on the sofa, which he never does, and I couldn't help taking this shot of him looking so lovely and peaceful.
H again, at Halloween...!
My lovely family: My niece and sister, H, me and my Mum. This was taken at Christmas - it was a rough day as it was just after I separated from H's Dad, but what that Christmas made me realise was how important my family are to me. Being with H's Dad I put too much distance in my relationship with my family, I have that back now and I wouldn't change it for the world, my sister, above all else is one of my best friends. Isn't she stunning!!
Me and two of my best friends, Jo and Carly. I've known these two ladies for in excess of twenty years and they have been through the best and the worst with me. I wouldn't change either of them or our friendships for the world.
The Poodle! I love this photo, it was taken by a photographer friend of mine, she captured him perfectly.
The most recent photo taken of me, this was at a party I went to a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't seen most of the guests for the best part of 5 years and it was fantastic to catch up with some old, good, friends.
And finally, this is a picture frame I bought recently, it has a little bit of everyone in it. From top left: My sister's wedding day, I flew back from Oz to be her bridesmail. H, a professional photo that my childminder arranged. Me, my friend K and a guy we met in Oz - this was taken on Magnetic Island (Queensland), this was my favourite place in Oz, somewhere I subsequently returned to for 3 months to teach diving. My nephew, Aaron. Me as a bridesmaid for K. My niece, Alice. Same place in Oz but with Joe, an Irish guy I saw over there for a few months - he was delicious! Me as a baby, on our farm, with my pet cow! Again, my sister's wedding day - my Sis, her Hubby and their two lovely children.
That's my life in photos; most of the people in my life that I love. I have about twenty more to be framed but am rapidly running out of space - I also have some new people in my life that need to be added to my growing collections of pictures!
On the plus side, at least I have an excuse to shop some more!
Body image...
This post comes about following a post of the same title from one of my friends, it inspired me to write about my own self image and to re-think some of the views I have of myself...
Body image is a term used to refer to a person's perception of his or her own physical appearance.
As 20-somethings (to be fair, whatever our age) we are bombarded with images in the media of "perfect" beauty. Tall, lithe women with perfect skin, straight white teeth, the flattest of stomachs, no hint of cellulite and small, pert breasts.
Tall, muscled men, broad shouldered with a washboard stomach and a clearly defined six-pack...both will naturally have a "healthy" tanned glow and clear, sparkling eyes.
So what happens when the reality of your body image doesn't match up to what we see, day in and day out, in the media. As a woman it is easy to become consumed with wanting to look like the celebrities and models that are so quickly airbrushed to perfection, it becomes natural to believe that this is what a man wants you to look like and it becomes all too simple to doubt your own beauty when faced with these images.
I do. Every morning I put myself on the scales to see if I have lost another pound. I stand in front of the mirror and hold in my stomach to see if my curves have diminished ever so slightly and I spend time carefully applying my make-up so I look like I have a "natural" glow! Now is the time to stop. I will continue with my healthy eating kick that I have been on of late, but because it makes me FEEL good. I don't have to resemble the images we see in the media to LOOK good.
I am, by no means, perfect. I have, in the past, when considering what "work" I would have done if I could afford plastic surgery, found something about every part of my body I would change. This is terrible. My body is amazing, and to steal the words of my friend, it is the only one I will ever have. Instead of wanting to change it, I should rejoice in it, take care of it and learn to love the wobbly bits.
This is me: Learning to love the wobbly bits:
I have nice hair, naturally I have bad hair days, but generally, I have nice hair.
I have pretty eyes, granted they look better with a bit of mascara, but they are a great shade of blue and one of the nicest compliments I have received were about my eyes. "I look into your eyes and they tell me everything I need to know. I can see you. They are full of expression".
I have full lips, many people would kill for lovely full lips.
My teeth aren't perfect, one is slightly crooked but I have been told I am beautiful when I smile.
My breasts are bigger than I would like them to be, but you know what, apparently that's a good thing!
I have a tummy, it's not toned, it's not flat and it has stretch marks. So what? It tells the world I have a son - the very best thing in my life. I grew a child inside of my body, I nurtured him and gave him life and I gave birth to him and now he is a thriving two year old. Stretch marks and a wobbly tummy seem like a small price to pay to have someone quite as cool as H love me unconditionally.
My bottom: I LOVE it, it's pert, it's round and I grew it myself - Lol!
I have long legs - frustratingly long sometimes. With heels I need a 34" inside leg on trousers which is not stocked in all shops... the thighs are a little bigger than I'd perhaps like and the ankles a little less shapely, but still, at least the length tends to make them look good.
My body, my phsyical appearance, it's not perfect, not by a long way, but wouldn't the world be boring if we all looked identical and all looked perfect?
Surely it's our imperfections that make us interesting, stand us apart from others around us?
Nicole Kidman - she never has a tan. Her skin is incredibly pale and this just adds to her beauty.
Julia Roberts - has a beauty spot, this is considered an imperfection but in fact adds to the interest in her face and makes her even more stunning.
Madonna - has a gap in her front teeth. She isn't afraid to hide her smile and despite being worth millions has never endeavoured to change this. Her smile and slightly less than perfect teeth add character to her face.
SJP - she has a nose slightly to large for her face, it is different - she wouldn't look like "Carrie" if she had a "perfect" face.
I have imperfections and it's time to start loving them. I've been through two major operations in the last year to correct a physical imperfection that none but those closest to me will ever see. Have I done this out of vanity? Partially, yes, I guess I have. It was borne out of necessity, make no mistake, but part of the driving force to put myself through the operation for a second time was vanity, but that's ok. It built my self confidence up again, and I needed that. If I need to look good to feel good about myself, that is ok. But I shouldn't feel bad about myself because I look a bit rough one day or when I stand on the scales I've put a pound on instead of taken one off.
I need to build my self-worth, my self-esteem and this is the starting point. This is me, loving the wobbly bits, learning to love me not inspite of the wobbly bits, but because of the wobbly bits. I challenge you all to do the same.
On the plus side, the healthy eating means the tummy is getting a little less wobbly, it makes it easier to love!
Body image is a term used to refer to a person's perception of his or her own physical appearance.
As 20-somethings (to be fair, whatever our age) we are bombarded with images in the media of "perfect" beauty. Tall, lithe women with perfect skin, straight white teeth, the flattest of stomachs, no hint of cellulite and small, pert breasts.
Tall, muscled men, broad shouldered with a washboard stomach and a clearly defined six-pack...both will naturally have a "healthy" tanned glow and clear, sparkling eyes.
So what happens when the reality of your body image doesn't match up to what we see, day in and day out, in the media. As a woman it is easy to become consumed with wanting to look like the celebrities and models that are so quickly airbrushed to perfection, it becomes natural to believe that this is what a man wants you to look like and it becomes all too simple to doubt your own beauty when faced with these images.
I do. Every morning I put myself on the scales to see if I have lost another pound. I stand in front of the mirror and hold in my stomach to see if my curves have diminished ever so slightly and I spend time carefully applying my make-up so I look like I have a "natural" glow! Now is the time to stop. I will continue with my healthy eating kick that I have been on of late, but because it makes me FEEL good. I don't have to resemble the images we see in the media to LOOK good.
I am, by no means, perfect. I have, in the past, when considering what "work" I would have done if I could afford plastic surgery, found something about every part of my body I would change. This is terrible. My body is amazing, and to steal the words of my friend, it is the only one I will ever have. Instead of wanting to change it, I should rejoice in it, take care of it and learn to love the wobbly bits.
This is me: Learning to love the wobbly bits:
I have nice hair, naturally I have bad hair days, but generally, I have nice hair.
I have pretty eyes, granted they look better with a bit of mascara, but they are a great shade of blue and one of the nicest compliments I have received were about my eyes. "I look into your eyes and they tell me everything I need to know. I can see you. They are full of expression".
I have full lips, many people would kill for lovely full lips.
My teeth aren't perfect, one is slightly crooked but I have been told I am beautiful when I smile.
My breasts are bigger than I would like them to be, but you know what, apparently that's a good thing!
I have a tummy, it's not toned, it's not flat and it has stretch marks. So what? It tells the world I have a son - the very best thing in my life. I grew a child inside of my body, I nurtured him and gave him life and I gave birth to him and now he is a thriving two year old. Stretch marks and a wobbly tummy seem like a small price to pay to have someone quite as cool as H love me unconditionally.
My bottom: I LOVE it, it's pert, it's round and I grew it myself - Lol!
I have long legs - frustratingly long sometimes. With heels I need a 34" inside leg on trousers which is not stocked in all shops... the thighs are a little bigger than I'd perhaps like and the ankles a little less shapely, but still, at least the length tends to make them look good.
My body, my phsyical appearance, it's not perfect, not by a long way, but wouldn't the world be boring if we all looked identical and all looked perfect?
Surely it's our imperfections that make us interesting, stand us apart from others around us?
Nicole Kidman - she never has a tan. Her skin is incredibly pale and this just adds to her beauty.
Julia Roberts - has a beauty spot, this is considered an imperfection but in fact adds to the interest in her face and makes her even more stunning.
Madonna - has a gap in her front teeth. She isn't afraid to hide her smile and despite being worth millions has never endeavoured to change this. Her smile and slightly less than perfect teeth add character to her face.
SJP - she has a nose slightly to large for her face, it is different - she wouldn't look like "Carrie" if she had a "perfect" face.
I have imperfections and it's time to start loving them. I've been through two major operations in the last year to correct a physical imperfection that none but those closest to me will ever see. Have I done this out of vanity? Partially, yes, I guess I have. It was borne out of necessity, make no mistake, but part of the driving force to put myself through the operation for a second time was vanity, but that's ok. It built my self confidence up again, and I needed that. If I need to look good to feel good about myself, that is ok. But I shouldn't feel bad about myself because I look a bit rough one day or when I stand on the scales I've put a pound on instead of taken one off.
I need to build my self-worth, my self-esteem and this is the starting point. This is me, loving the wobbly bits, learning to love me not inspite of the wobbly bits, but because of the wobbly bits. I challenge you all to do the same.
On the plus side, the healthy eating means the tummy is getting a little less wobbly, it makes it easier to love!
On the advice of a good friend...
I'm here to have a rant!
My faith in people has been shaken, really shaken, and I don't like that. I believe in the best in people, I'm wildly optimistic that good things will happen because I am a good person, and yet time and time again, I get treated like shit. People are crap. End of story.
I mentioned in a previous post about J and how we took things to a more intimate level - since that point he has essentially just ignored me.
I called him on it tonight, he got all defensive and said that he was going through some stuff and he couldn't "deal with all of this right now" - so I asked him why the hell he bothered sleeping with me, seems a bit shit right?? No reasonable explanation was forthcoming.
I'd finally started giving this guy a chance, actually allowing him to get to know me, and that is how I am rewarded.
It's official - I am completely over men. I mean it, no more. I will not continue to waste my time with time wasters. I'm am now resolutely single.
On the plus side, maybe it would be easier if I just turned gay!!!!
My faith in people has been shaken, really shaken, and I don't like that. I believe in the best in people, I'm wildly optimistic that good things will happen because I am a good person, and yet time and time again, I get treated like shit. People are crap. End of story.
I mentioned in a previous post about J and how we took things to a more intimate level - since that point he has essentially just ignored me.
I called him on it tonight, he got all defensive and said that he was going through some stuff and he couldn't "deal with all of this right now" - so I asked him why the hell he bothered sleeping with me, seems a bit shit right?? No reasonable explanation was forthcoming.
I'd finally started giving this guy a chance, actually allowing him to get to know me, and that is how I am rewarded.
It's official - I am completely over men. I mean it, no more. I will not continue to waste my time with time wasters. I'm am now resolutely single.
On the plus side, maybe it would be easier if I just turned gay!!!!
Regret...
A friend asked me for a blog topic recently and I suggested "Regret". I don't know why, it popped into my head and seemed a good idea. Regret is a topic that I find interesting and I try to live to the theory that I should only regret the things that I have done and never the things that I haven't.
I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.
I try very hard to deny any regret that I may feel, it is such a pointless emotion given that I have yet to discover the secret of turning back the clock and changing the outcome of events, but do I have regrets - of course I do.
1. I regret dropping out of college and not going to university. The circumstances under which this decision came about is for another post and I won't go into them here, but suffice to say that I will never get the opportunity to go back to a point in my life where I could change this situation so I regret the decision that I made, even though it was necessary at the time.
2. I regret leaving the company I currently work for, I went back and it's fabulous, but I should never have walked away from them first time round.
3. I regret the circumstances under which I walked away from my marriage - the man I was married to was, and still is a great man, I shouldn't have done to him what I did.
4. I regret the circumstances under which I walked away from my last relationship - ditto to the reasoning above.
5. I regret leaving Australia before my years visa came to an end because I was homesick. Home was still there when I got back and is still there now, I will never have the opportunity to have that year again.
These are my only real regrets, but let me tell you why, despite regretting them in essence, I actually don't feel remorse for them. Every single one of these decisions has led me to the place I am in my life right now, and that is a good place.
1. Had I have finished college and gone to university the chances are my career would have taken an entirely different path and I love my career.
2. Had I not have left my current company and then returned, I would not have the experience under my belt that I have now and I probably wouldn't be as good at my job as I currently am. Not to mention that I wouldn't have taken the company I left them for to tribunal for unfair dismissal and gotten a nice big cheque from them!
3. Had I not left my husband I wouldn't have my son.
4. Had the circumstances not been as they were I would probably still be with my ex. I needed the catalyst that I had in order to get the courage to leave.
5. Had I stayed in Australia I wouldn't have ended up marrying my ex husband, I probably would have gotten over him completely. Had I not married my ex husband I probably wouldn't have left him to be with my ex-partner and therefore would not have my son.
Regret - it is futile, not just because you can't go back, but actually because every decision you make leads you to the place you are in and the person you become.
My only real regret? Starting smoking again.
On the plus side, I can always quit that nasty habit....again!
I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.
I try very hard to deny any regret that I may feel, it is such a pointless emotion given that I have yet to discover the secret of turning back the clock and changing the outcome of events, but do I have regrets - of course I do.
1. I regret dropping out of college and not going to university. The circumstances under which this decision came about is for another post and I won't go into them here, but suffice to say that I will never get the opportunity to go back to a point in my life where I could change this situation so I regret the decision that I made, even though it was necessary at the time.
2. I regret leaving the company I currently work for, I went back and it's fabulous, but I should never have walked away from them first time round.
3. I regret the circumstances under which I walked away from my marriage - the man I was married to was, and still is a great man, I shouldn't have done to him what I did.
4. I regret the circumstances under which I walked away from my last relationship - ditto to the reasoning above.
5. I regret leaving Australia before my years visa came to an end because I was homesick. Home was still there when I got back and is still there now, I will never have the opportunity to have that year again.
These are my only real regrets, but let me tell you why, despite regretting them in essence, I actually don't feel remorse for them. Every single one of these decisions has led me to the place I am in my life right now, and that is a good place.
1. Had I have finished college and gone to university the chances are my career would have taken an entirely different path and I love my career.
2. Had I not have left my current company and then returned, I would not have the experience under my belt that I have now and I probably wouldn't be as good at my job as I currently am. Not to mention that I wouldn't have taken the company I left them for to tribunal for unfair dismissal and gotten a nice big cheque from them!
3. Had I not left my husband I wouldn't have my son.
4. Had the circumstances not been as they were I would probably still be with my ex. I needed the catalyst that I had in order to get the courage to leave.
5. Had I stayed in Australia I wouldn't have ended up marrying my ex husband, I probably would have gotten over him completely. Had I not married my ex husband I probably wouldn't have left him to be with my ex-partner and therefore would not have my son.
Regret - it is futile, not just because you can't go back, but actually because every decision you make leads you to the place you are in and the person you become.
My only real regret? Starting smoking again.
On the plus side, I can always quit that nasty habit....again!
Trust...
- Noun
1.reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.confident expectation of something; hope.
3.a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
4.the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
I consider myself to be a trustworthy person. In my personal life, I gossip with my friends as much as the next person, but if a friend or family member comes to me with something confidential they can rest assured that it will not go any further. In my work life I need to be able to trust my team and those around me, they need to be able to trust me in return - I know they can, but with a new team the challenge is earning that trust, and it goes both ways.
I find two of the words from the dictionary definition of trust to be very interesting, two words that I wouldn't have automatically assumed would relate to trust: Confidence and Hope.
Thinking about it, now I have seem them there, they actually fit very well, to trust a person, event or idea is to have confidence in it or them and trust, by its very nature, breeds hope.
Trust, it is the cornerstone of any relationship, romantic or otherwise, and when in a trusting relationship you naturally hope. If it is a boyfriend/girlfriend/lover or spouse you hope that you will remain together and in love, if it is a friend you hope that the friendship will continue to blossom and if it is a family member you hope to keep them close to you.
Trust is something I am lacking a lot of recently, there are people in my life that I trust, but it is not implicit. To steal the words of a friend of mine it comes with provisos and caveats. I have colleagues that I will speak to, colleagues that I trust, but they are certain, select, colleagues and I only trust them with limited information. I have many friends, 3 best friends, a number of friends/acquaintances and 1 very new friendship that I hope continues to develop, but the trust I have with all of them is again very different. I am lucky that my 3 best friends I can trust with anything and everything in my life, the trust I have with them does not come with provisos and caveats, at least not for the most part. As for the rest of them, they don't know me enough, and vice versa, for that trust to be part of our relationship yet.
And as for men, I fear that my trust in the opposite sex has disappeared for good now. It has been lacking for many, many years. A number of bad experiences, two from a long time ago, both very different, and one very recently but equally as bad, not to mention all of the ones inbetween has left me somewhat wanting in the trust stakes.
Things took a turn for the "intimate" with J this evening, I am not one to kiss and tell so I won't go into the details - at least not tonight; I am too tired - but there was a definite shift between us after the act. Unfortunately it certainly didn't feel like a shift for the better. Perhaps I am imagining it, perhaps I even caused/instigated it, I don't know, but I do know that I am home, alone at ten thirty in the evening after having taken things to a level I don't normally take them to unless I care very much about someone. Of course, it is possible that I am blowing things up way out of proportion. Who knows - not me, that's for sure. Men = Mars, Women = Venus: Right?
On the plus side, I haven't had to shell out a fiver for some more batteries just yet...!
1.reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.confident expectation of something; hope.
3.a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
4.the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
I consider myself to be a trustworthy person. In my personal life, I gossip with my friends as much as the next person, but if a friend or family member comes to me with something confidential they can rest assured that it will not go any further. In my work life I need to be able to trust my team and those around me, they need to be able to trust me in return - I know they can, but with a new team the challenge is earning that trust, and it goes both ways.
I find two of the words from the dictionary definition of trust to be very interesting, two words that I wouldn't have automatically assumed would relate to trust: Confidence and Hope.
Thinking about it, now I have seem them there, they actually fit very well, to trust a person, event or idea is to have confidence in it or them and trust, by its very nature, breeds hope.
Trust, it is the cornerstone of any relationship, romantic or otherwise, and when in a trusting relationship you naturally hope. If it is a boyfriend/girlfriend/lover or spouse you hope that you will remain together and in love, if it is a friend you hope that the friendship will continue to blossom and if it is a family member you hope to keep them close to you.
Trust is something I am lacking a lot of recently, there are people in my life that I trust, but it is not implicit. To steal the words of a friend of mine it comes with provisos and caveats. I have colleagues that I will speak to, colleagues that I trust, but they are certain, select, colleagues and I only trust them with limited information. I have many friends, 3 best friends, a number of friends/acquaintances and 1 very new friendship that I hope continues to develop, but the trust I have with all of them is again very different. I am lucky that my 3 best friends I can trust with anything and everything in my life, the trust I have with them does not come with provisos and caveats, at least not for the most part. As for the rest of them, they don't know me enough, and vice versa, for that trust to be part of our relationship yet.
And as for men, I fear that my trust in the opposite sex has disappeared for good now. It has been lacking for many, many years. A number of bad experiences, two from a long time ago, both very different, and one very recently but equally as bad, not to mention all of the ones inbetween has left me somewhat wanting in the trust stakes.
Things took a turn for the "intimate" with J this evening, I am not one to kiss and tell so I won't go into the details - at least not tonight; I am too tired - but there was a definite shift between us after the act. Unfortunately it certainly didn't feel like a shift for the better. Perhaps I am imagining it, perhaps I even caused/instigated it, I don't know, but I do know that I am home, alone at ten thirty in the evening after having taken things to a level I don't normally take them to unless I care very much about someone. Of course, it is possible that I am blowing things up way out of proportion. Who knows - not me, that's for sure. Men = Mars, Women = Venus: Right?
On the plus side, I haven't had to shell out a fiver for some more batteries just yet...!
A fabulous day...
I had to post because I have had just the most fantastic day today.
Why, I hear you cry, has my day been so fantastic? Well firstly, work is amazing, I'm loving what I am doing so much! Secondly, I heard today that I got accepted to our Leadership Academy at work, it's basically a senior manager development programme, the criteria is really tough, you have to have been a line manager in the business for two years, be a top performing line manager to boot and in additon to all of that there are only 9 spaces in the entire company (there are over 150 managers in our business) and I GOT ON!!!!!!! This is my stepping stone to becoming a Regional Director!!!!
And finally, I feel as though I am (at last) over Guy Number 1. This is a big deal to me, I've been hung up on this guy for the best part of 7 months now and I actually feel as though I am finally moving on. It took a lot, months of being messed around and lied to. Now I feel like I've moved on I actually feel as though I can be his friend again, which is nice, because above all else, I've missed his friendship.
This leaves the door well and truly open for Guy Number 2, from now on I'm going to refer to him as J - yes my friends, he has earnt himself an initial in my blog!! I'm still firmly of the opinion that I am not looking for, and do not want, a serious boyfriend - but what this guy has is real potential. My main concern now? My inability to take things further with J might have have really screwed things over. This being the case, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to invite him for a "sleepover"...!!
How have I come to this conclusion? Well I finally feel ready to take that step with him for a start and I also feel strongly that it will mean something now. To me that's important, I am not going to de-value myself by having meaningless sex, I am worth more than that. The problem? I now realise that part of the reason I have been avoiding taking this step is my hang-ups around my body image. Typing that on a previous post has made me realise that this was more true that I knew.
Let's get this straight, I am not hideous. I'm a confident, attractive woman, this much I know. But I have a few more curves than I really want. I'm not "large" (not that there is anything wrong with large.) I'm relatively average in the grand scheme of things, but having had a child my abs are not what they used to be and this is where my hang up lies. Firmly and completely around my stomach. I'm dealing with this though. I have been dieting and doing it well, I've lost well over a stone now which is fantastic, only 4lbs to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. Oh, and I'm back in the gym - another reason for my supremely awesome day. It was my first session back, post-op, and I feel fabulous. I worked my socks off and feel good about it!
So, the question that I pose to you, if any of you are reading this, is how on earth do I now invite this gorgeous man to spend the night with me?
And for the record, I need to do it quickly...it's been months since I last had sex and I've run out of batteries!!!!
On the plus side, I just nipped to Tesco and got myself a jumbo box of double A's!!
Why, I hear you cry, has my day been so fantastic? Well firstly, work is amazing, I'm loving what I am doing so much! Secondly, I heard today that I got accepted to our Leadership Academy at work, it's basically a senior manager development programme, the criteria is really tough, you have to have been a line manager in the business for two years, be a top performing line manager to boot and in additon to all of that there are only 9 spaces in the entire company (there are over 150 managers in our business) and I GOT ON!!!!!!! This is my stepping stone to becoming a Regional Director!!!!
And finally, I feel as though I am (at last) over Guy Number 1. This is a big deal to me, I've been hung up on this guy for the best part of 7 months now and I actually feel as though I am finally moving on. It took a lot, months of being messed around and lied to. Now I feel like I've moved on I actually feel as though I can be his friend again, which is nice, because above all else, I've missed his friendship.
This leaves the door well and truly open for Guy Number 2, from now on I'm going to refer to him as J - yes my friends, he has earnt himself an initial in my blog!! I'm still firmly of the opinion that I am not looking for, and do not want, a serious boyfriend - but what this guy has is real potential. My main concern now? My inability to take things further with J might have have really screwed things over. This being the case, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to invite him for a "sleepover"...!!
How have I come to this conclusion? Well I finally feel ready to take that step with him for a start and I also feel strongly that it will mean something now. To me that's important, I am not going to de-value myself by having meaningless sex, I am worth more than that. The problem? I now realise that part of the reason I have been avoiding taking this step is my hang-ups around my body image. Typing that on a previous post has made me realise that this was more true that I knew.
Let's get this straight, I am not hideous. I'm a confident, attractive woman, this much I know. But I have a few more curves than I really want. I'm not "large" (not that there is anything wrong with large.) I'm relatively average in the grand scheme of things, but having had a child my abs are not what they used to be and this is where my hang up lies. Firmly and completely around my stomach. I'm dealing with this though. I have been dieting and doing it well, I've lost well over a stone now which is fantastic, only 4lbs to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. Oh, and I'm back in the gym - another reason for my supremely awesome day. It was my first session back, post-op, and I feel fabulous. I worked my socks off and feel good about it!
So, the question that I pose to you, if any of you are reading this, is how on earth do I now invite this gorgeous man to spend the night with me?
And for the record, I need to do it quickly...it's been months since I last had sex and I've run out of batteries!!!!
On the plus side, I just nipped to Tesco and got myself a jumbo box of double A's!!
Work...
So I got the job that I mentioned in a previous post.
Firstly, I was suprememly sad to tell my team that I would be leaving them, albeit temporarily. I have come to know and love each member of my team over the year that I have had them and I know I will be missed as I will miss them.
Secondly, I am finding it very difficult to let go. I know this will be frustrating for my replacement but what he needs to understand is that this team and the work they have done is my baby. I have worked very hard to get them to achieve all that they have and the progress they have made is very much down to the leadership that I have given them. Of course I'm going to struggle to let go. Not only do I not want the work that I have to go downhill (which I know it won't) but also, I have a vested interest in that team and their happiness, success and progress.
Finally, I LOVE my new job - it's proving to be the challenge I really need to get my teeth into. My new team are FANTASTIC and I have every confidence with some stability and leadership they will prove to be the best performing team we have!!
On the plus side, I should get to return to my original team in 3 months time. On the negative side, I will have to, at some point, leave my new team and I have a feeling that is going to be equally sad for me.
Firstly, I was suprememly sad to tell my team that I would be leaving them, albeit temporarily. I have come to know and love each member of my team over the year that I have had them and I know I will be missed as I will miss them.
Secondly, I am finding it very difficult to let go. I know this will be frustrating for my replacement but what he needs to understand is that this team and the work they have done is my baby. I have worked very hard to get them to achieve all that they have and the progress they have made is very much down to the leadership that I have given them. Of course I'm going to struggle to let go. Not only do I not want the work that I have to go downhill (which I know it won't) but also, I have a vested interest in that team and their happiness, success and progress.
Finally, I LOVE my new job - it's proving to be the challenge I really need to get my teeth into. My new team are FANTASTIC and I have every confidence with some stability and leadership they will prove to be the best performing team we have!!
On the plus side, I should get to return to my original team in 3 months time. On the negative side, I will have to, at some point, leave my new team and I have a feeling that is going to be equally sad for me.
Time...
I went on another date this evening with Guy Number 2.
It's fair to say that my opinion of him is improving constantly, he's a really great guy, fun, funny and very good looking...not just "nice" after all. He teases me, winds me up, has fun with me..these are all important things for me.
I left his house late this evening, with the usual goodnight kiss etc - but as usual that was as far as it went. We have been seeing each other since early - mid March, so around 6 weeks I guess, although it feels like longer. I feel like we should have done more than exchange the odd kiss?
As I left his house tonight, I couldn't help but wonder: How long is too long to wait?
I feel almost as though we might be missing our window, that before long we will hit the friends category, firmly and absolutely friends and I'm sure that's not what I want. Why is it that I don't feel like I can take things any further at this point in time? I've never had a problem in the past moving things firmly past the friends category.
Is it that I am just too screwed up over my own self image? Or is it that I'm still just screwed up over another guy? And why is he not pushing for more?
We haven't had the "chat", you know the one where you decide what you are doing, if you are seeing each other, if it's exclusive, etc etc and for me, I guess it's just that I don't want to just have sex with a guy. I want it to mean something. I think because I have been hurt recently by a guy who was simply after a bit of fun, a good time before he settled down with his long-term girlfriend etc, I really want to know this time that I am not making a mistake.
Sex is a big deal to me, I don't enter into it lightly and I usually have to care about someone before I will walk down that path with them. It's fair to say that hasn't always been my mindset, I've done the casual sex thing in the past, usually with a crappy outcome, I've done it a fair bit and I don't want to do that anymore. Besides, sex always complicates things doesn't it?
What I like about this thing with Guy Number 2 is that we're just both really chilled out and relaxed about it, there's no need to label it, no need to pick an option with regards to what we want to do, we're both just seeing how it goes, without saying that we'll just see how it goes. That makes a refreshing change.
On the plus side, damn it was a good goodnight kiss.
It's fair to say that my opinion of him is improving constantly, he's a really great guy, fun, funny and very good looking...not just "nice" after all. He teases me, winds me up, has fun with me..these are all important things for me.
I left his house late this evening, with the usual goodnight kiss etc - but as usual that was as far as it went. We have been seeing each other since early - mid March, so around 6 weeks I guess, although it feels like longer. I feel like we should have done more than exchange the odd kiss?
As I left his house tonight, I couldn't help but wonder: How long is too long to wait?
I feel almost as though we might be missing our window, that before long we will hit the friends category, firmly and absolutely friends and I'm sure that's not what I want. Why is it that I don't feel like I can take things any further at this point in time? I've never had a problem in the past moving things firmly past the friends category.
Is it that I am just too screwed up over my own self image? Or is it that I'm still just screwed up over another guy? And why is he not pushing for more?
We haven't had the "chat", you know the one where you decide what you are doing, if you are seeing each other, if it's exclusive, etc etc and for me, I guess it's just that I don't want to just have sex with a guy. I want it to mean something. I think because I have been hurt recently by a guy who was simply after a bit of fun, a good time before he settled down with his long-term girlfriend etc, I really want to know this time that I am not making a mistake.
Sex is a big deal to me, I don't enter into it lightly and I usually have to care about someone before I will walk down that path with them. It's fair to say that hasn't always been my mindset, I've done the casual sex thing in the past, usually with a crappy outcome, I've done it a fair bit and I don't want to do that anymore. Besides, sex always complicates things doesn't it?
What I like about this thing with Guy Number 2 is that we're just both really chilled out and relaxed about it, there's no need to label it, no need to pick an option with regards to what we want to do, we're both just seeing how it goes, without saying that we'll just see how it goes. That makes a refreshing change.
On the plus side, damn it was a good goodnight kiss.
Tempation...
I've always said that I don't date guys that have girlfriends, my morals are being sorely tempted this weekend though.
Someone from my past has been in touch, someone, it is safe to say, that I have always had a soft spot for. I've known him for years, and he is absolutely and completely gorgeous - he's one of those people you look at and think "yep, I'm batting out of my league here"!!!! He was without doubt, the high school "hunk" - think Freddie Prinz Jnr in She's All That - he was that guy for my secondary school -all the guys wanted to be him and all the girls wanted him! Having said that, school was 13 years ago now.
We used to have a bit of a casual thing going on a long time ago, nothing major, we'd see each other out most Friday and Saturday nights and always end up spending the evening and night together, that was about the extent of it though. Just fun, no strings attached fun.
He's been in touch again on Facebook - I swear Facebook is the new match.com, the amount of people that have been interested since announcing my single status is quite astonishing!!! God only knows why!! Anyway, he wants, actually god knows what he wants, since he has a long term girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't approve!
Like I say, it's testing my morals, but I've told him I don't see guys that have girlfriends.
It's a tough call though, I really and genuinely don't see guys that have girlfriends, it's a recipe for disaster - as proved by my life back in December last year! And I don't have casual sex, I used to when I was younger and life was simpler, but I don't anymore.
On the plus side, he said in that case I should pop over just for a catch up, that it would be good to catch up with each other again.
Someone from my past has been in touch, someone, it is safe to say, that I have always had a soft spot for. I've known him for years, and he is absolutely and completely gorgeous - he's one of those people you look at and think "yep, I'm batting out of my league here"!!!! He was without doubt, the high school "hunk" - think Freddie Prinz Jnr in She's All That - he was that guy for my secondary school -all the guys wanted to be him and all the girls wanted him! Having said that, school was 13 years ago now.
We used to have a bit of a casual thing going on a long time ago, nothing major, we'd see each other out most Friday and Saturday nights and always end up spending the evening and night together, that was about the extent of it though. Just fun, no strings attached fun.
He's been in touch again on Facebook - I swear Facebook is the new match.com, the amount of people that have been interested since announcing my single status is quite astonishing!!! God only knows why!! Anyway, he wants, actually god knows what he wants, since he has a long term girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't approve!
Like I say, it's testing my morals, but I've told him I don't see guys that have girlfriends.
It's a tough call though, I really and genuinely don't see guys that have girlfriends, it's a recipe for disaster - as proved by my life back in December last year! And I don't have casual sex, I used to when I was younger and life was simpler, but I don't anymore.
On the plus side, he said in that case I should pop over just for a catch up, that it would be good to catch up with each other again.
Apologies...
"In our darkest moments we all need someone who will listen. Some turn to friendly professionals, a few rely on those who are older and wiser, others seek out someone who knows what they're going through, but for most of us, nothing is quite so therapeutic as a good long talk with a few old friends"
I've hurt one of my friends. The friend hurt me first but I did something that I try my hardest not to do, I lashed out and retaliated. I thought that doing so would make me feel better, take away my hurt, I was wrong.
And I'm sorry.
On the plus side, to err is human, forgive divine.
I've hurt one of my friends. The friend hurt me first but I did something that I try my hardest not to do, I lashed out and retaliated. I thought that doing so would make me feel better, take away my hurt, I was wrong.
And I'm sorry.
On the plus side, to err is human, forgive divine.
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